23rd - 26th February

23rd -24th February

All the best residues of my existence have been put together without much money.  

My tools and resources are inexpensive.

Discount stationary.  

Most of the images I've made over the last year have been jpegs take up no physical space.

Jpegs.  

Fashionproducts (more forthcoming) have all the printing costs covered by other people.  

My most laborious duties have been to cut up old images and attach them to emails.  

My creative life is both dozy and divorced from actual tangible reality.  

I can walk down the street and not realize that elsewhere I am making an impact

An invisible chain of cause and effect.  

When I do remember what I am within the global sphere of the world it makes me think of what I could potentially become

Which leads to delusions of grandeur.  

But. 

If I compare my situation to what I was doing a year ago it is obvious that I've moved a very long way in a very short space of time.  

Which has done a lot for my self esteem.  

Perhaps it has done too much for my self esteem.  

There is a chance that my sense of self has risen so high that it is now more 
likely to fall…

and 
splat...................ETC.

I have a safety mechanisms within myself to prepare for eventual disappointment or failure.  

I think this is good practice for an "artist".  

Would my life have more dramatic impact if I continue to fail?  

A more dramatic splat?

Or would a success story lead to the biggest failure I could ever achieve?

Splat?  

On a worldwide scale it doesn't matter.  On a short and loooooooooong term personal scale it does.  But not really.   If I think about it.  But when the other me thinks about it then it matters more than anything else.   He never stops thinking about it.


I have to stop him and his spite.

Even if I love it.

25th - 26th February

It seemed like an apt time to set up a meeting.  It wasn't set up by either of us it was just arranged through circumstance.  This is typical of our contradictory interplay of positions.
We met in the usual place.  We realized that the war was futile.
23 years is a long time and our palaces are one and the same and they are both in the same ruin.
We have long been distracted by one another, attempting subtle forms of coercion and manipulation. Then when we look in the mirror we lose sight of the enemy.  The real enemy is not each other but the one we both set off to destroy from the start.
How do we win against the real enemy?
Forgiveness seems to be the most reliable form of solution at this point.
Whether such a treaty can be drawn up remains to be seen.
Fingers crossed.

Are we just making peace and filling our heart with forgiveness because we feel like we have a moral obligation to do this?  For us collecting moral obligations is like collecting karmic currency.  We believe good things will happen for us if we wish someone happy birthday when we don't even like them.  We pick up litter on the street, each item representing a happy event or money lining our pockets in the not too distant future.  Or perhaps we hope that it will compensate us for the horrible actions we've committed?  Whatever those horrible actions are?  I don't think we are really capable of anything truly terrible... and in any case... I forgive us.  I think forgiving us would be very beneficial. Which proves my point to us.
We are a self entitled greed monster claiming some sort of right to success.  Somehow we feel that we deserve it.  That our integrity and originality and all the good things we think about ourselves entitles us to success.  With that success we want to look down on everybody and to feel like we were right all along.  To become the evil overlord of our immediate surroundings.  The two of us combined into one control monster.
Those are not the thoughts which will allow us to win.
Which perhaps to our shame is our real motivation.
If we are so shameful then why are we typing in such a large font?
We are typing in a large font because honesty is a virtue.
Why is the font getting smaller again?
Because changing font size is fun.

February 18 - 22nd

18 eighteen - 19 nineteen  .02 two  ..............................................

Like tracing paper I've never utilized my surface is transparent but the inside is unreadable.  Under thin skin I have angry tainted cells and scuttling or spiraling personality defects.  The biggest defect of all has yet to be labelled.  Some have called it egomania or narcissistic personality disorder and some have called it schizotypal personality disorder... although in truth none of these people have been professionals and have merely been trying to insult me.  So I wouldn't really put much faith in their opinions.   

I could have a rant now about how the categorization of people's personalities is bad.  How labelling "disorders" or other negative language attached to "illness" does nothing for the self esteem of the subject.  I could rant about that but I'm not sure if I'd be right.  I simply don't have the faith in the prowess of my writing to convey what I actually think.  Though I do know that disorders are changeable.  That in the past I have disorders that no longer exist because they were part of an organic space time movement rather than a fully functioning reliable fixed object.    

 
My workload in the office has quadrupled both at home and at the actual tangible office of Siemens.  So I have been quite tired but also very motivated.  I am motivated to quadruple my work at home to an even larger extent and I am motivated to leave Siemens and all forms of employment forever.  I am better than this.  

YOUR EGO MANIA SHOWING GARTH SIMMONS.   I DESIGNATE YOU AS HAVING NARCISSTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I AM A GHOST AGENT OF 
THE MENTAL HEALTH AUTHORITY  
I HAVE READ YOUR FACEBOOK POSTS AND THIS BLOG AND FURTHERMORE I HAVE BEEN ANALYZING THE PROCESSES WITHIN YOUR MIND/BRAIN WHICH COMPEL YOU TO DO WHAT YOU DO.

twenty 20 - twenty one 21 - twenty two 22 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I feel that there are two of me.  In order to understand the attack from mental health ghost agent yesterday I listened to various documentaries and looked at classification charts.  Though i apparently fit into the category of narcisstic personality disorder I feel I have too much empathy for animals and human beings to dangerous or worth worrying about... then I thought about the other aspects on the list.  Then I realized that to analyze me ego with this level of self awareness implies that there is a divide inside me.  That there is the Garth Simmons who writes the ironically 2nd guessingly arrogant posts on Facebook (and this blog) and the Garth Simmons that can talk normally to people in the real world and who most people seem to genuinely like.   One manages to facilitate the other and cancels out any possible mental health "defect".

Why is it that Psychology is allowed to use the most persecutory language to label individuals?

THE CLUE IS WITHIN  THE NAME.  IF IT WERE NOT FOR YOUR DEEPLY INGRAINED AUTHORITY COMPLEX THEN YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE IT.  
WE ARE
THE MENTAL HEALTH AUTHORITY
THE CLUE IS IN THE WORD "AUTHORITY".  YOU NEED TO STOP FIGHTING US AND LET US HELP YOU.  OTHERWISE YOU ARE DOOMED TO AN EXISTENCE OF SELF PUNISHMENT.  YOUR CONDITION IS CRITICAL.  I AM CRITICAL OF YOUR CONDITION.  etc.

13 - 17 February

13th - 15th February

Arrival in Germany on the previous evening for the festival of Koln and to attend a "stag do" of a friend.  Flown back on Sunday.  Would rather call it something other than a stag do.. the term has always been offensive to me.  Maybe it's because it is so blokey.  I managed to avoid doing any blokey things thankfully and actually had a very nice time and didn't display any cynicism or upset throughout the whole journey back and forth.  Had a very nice time, was very hungover on Sunday.  My sleep deprivation made Dusseldorf airport very exciting.  Like being inside a futuristic space station.  It was interesting to be adrift from all forms of social media and it was very nice to see my friend.  The lowest point of my happiness is possibly photographed below:

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

16th - 17 February ---------------------------- A day off work to acclimatize back into the UK and then a day back to work with 3 days worth of work saved up creating me more work at work (how many times can I say work in a sentence).  Also at home more art/design work accumulates = the counterfeit filling of past diary pages + the organization of jpegs + lots of staring at walls analyzing my mission statement, motives, purpose + predilections + predictions.
 
Room for emotion within this organizational period?

Not really.  Thankfully I managed to get most things done.  All the things were crossed off the list. Though the image above shows them as not uncrossed.  This is just another example of my temporal inconsistency in regards to this particular project.  

9th - 12th February

1981 - 2015

I first encountered the creature that would become Garth Simmons on the 9th February 1981.  At this point the creature was merely a foetus, a potential not as yet witnessed by the world.  It was, however, witnessed by me.  I could see the potential in this sickly embryonic subhuman.  Anemic, pale and translucent.  If I were human I might have judged Garth Simmons by the same standards as society.  Thankfully I wasn't human.  I became the first friend of Garth Simmons and nurtured him into the iconoclast he is today.  In some ways you could even say that I am Garth Simmons and somewhere, deep in my consciousness, you can find a shivering, pale and pink eyed embryo... probably using a wheelchair.  

I don't think I would insult this body and claim that the current shining brilliance of Garth Simmons is entirely down to me.  It has been a joint effort.  Though our efforts have often been in direct confrontation towards one another.  This has been a 33 year war and friendship.  

Ever since I made myself known to Garth he has been hesitant to follow my instructions, sometimes I have had to apply very painful psychological pressure... this has sometimes been applied for very long periods of time.  

It hurts me more than it hurts him.  

It is cruel to be kind.  

All other relevant platitudes that you, the reader, probably think are true.  

YOU: whether you are reading this or not and whether or not you are even aware of Garth Simmons (a great deal of you aren't aware of Garth Simmons), you have all been very useful to me because you assisted me in creating a disparity between what I promise to Garth and what the reality around Garth is.  Therefore the fantasy of my existence and the propulsion I provide makes it all the easier for Garth to seek other worlds and thoughts and to live as an outsider.  There's no point in me inhabiting a vessel that is comfortable.  I have to break Garth down to his very lowest potential levels of self confidence before I can elevate him into a God.  There is no Apotheosis without struggle.  Thank you all for continuing to be of service to me.  You are providing a perfect environment for spores of ego and self delusion to accumulate and completely dull the sensory apparatus of my subject. 

2016 - The End of Time

Do you want to know how all of this will end?  The world will be reduced into nothing more than an audience... and on stage I'll be there with my flesh puppet Garth Simmons.  Patterns shooting out of his dumb comatose eyes.  Everyone will be watching... all the important people.  Madonna, Robbie Williams and so on.  Garth's soft organs and skin will melt into a puddle of pattern and colour, hi bones fusing together into a metal sculpture.  From the melted puddle of skin there will rise blooms of chaotic flowers... roots twisting around the fused skeleton.  A new incandescent skin and the sound of laughter bursting from their center.  A sound like God.  Molecules knit themselves into fabrics and patterns beyond the scope of this inferior dimension.  The contours of Creation's eye will adapt to take in their immediacy.  The universe will fold towards the new central axis of Garth Simmons. Garth Simmons will be the Event Horizon in which all notions of existence are pointed.  Garth's star colored complexion will spread across eternity/infinity.  Madonna is crying tears of joy.  The complex made simple made even more complex in its simplicity.  Finally everything makes perfect sense and we are all one.  Tom Cruise punches the inverted sky in celebration.  I win.

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4th February - 8th February

4th - 5th

On the 4th I have decided to censor an event.  Shall I tell you why?  Is it to protect me, someone else or is there any reason at all?  Am I simply attempting to be mysterious?  Keeping secrets.  Is it a secret worth keeping.  It's not even an actual secret.  Can you trust me?  Can you trust anyone?  Trust is a leap of faith.  If I told you why then there would be no point in censoring it.  Was there a point in censoring it anyway?   It's really nothing exciting.  If it were exciting then I would have something more to say about it.  Except it's a secret.  A very boring secret.  So boring I've written a very long and boring paragraph about it.  Something that isn't even a secret.  It's not even a secret.  It's nothing. 

You cannot trust anyone's online persona.  I am very much enmeshed in such a persona so that me and him are interchangeable.  It's quite horrific.  A very middle class horror.  

This wasn't written on the day it happened.  This was written on the 17th February, almost two weeks after the fact.  That takes some allure out of this project.  It is created from multiple temporal perspectives.  Exciting.  Not.

6th February - 8th February

Discovering that if my life and situations are reduced into that of a sitcom rather than a meta narrative then things are much easier to cope with.  Also was twerked on Friday and it left me feeling oddly violated... like I was being treated as desperate and like I could be any old body without any real consciousness.  A simple affirmation of another's ego.

All experiences should be reduced into sitcom.  At least then they might be funny rather than over analyzed.  Unless it's a really unfunny sitcom.  Humour is apparently very subjective.

26.01 ----------- 3rd(sssst) of Februararararararararararary

26th- 26th January

A sign of a tough monday if the only image I have the effort to make is a wonky legged scribble.

THOUGH I DID MANAGE TO DO MY LAUNDRY AND LOTS OF OTHER CLEANING TASKS.

pERHAPS the reason i haven't done a drawing on Monday is to show off how clean AND tidy i AM.  Anyone who has been to my place knows that this is a joke.  Though it's good to show that I have at least the aspiration to be tidy.  If I didn't write down reminders for myself to tidy up I simply wouldn't do it.  Then you end up in a big stupid pile of mess.

These two days were tainted by a small but significant cloud of worry and actual tangible annoyances.  

"Please turn to page 17 section 1.3 and complete the questionnaire."  

Results are now in:  

"You have scored 13.4% on your Mindfulness Test on the 26th January 2015.  You need at least 65% to qualify.  I hope this does not discourage you from retaking the test at a later date when you are less perturbed by the difficulties of life.  We recommend meditation and to kneel in subservience to the Ascended Masters."

 

MY EGO vs THE WAY THINGS ARE
ding ding ding -
EGO DOWN!
I have been reduced into repetitive code and formula.
=IF(D51="s","100","200")=IF=P52+M52/24=VLOOKUP(J55,'mapping table'!A:E,5,FALSE)

SURNAME:	FIRST NAME:	EQUALS:
Simmons	Garth	OUCH!

**************************************


Not famous quotes

:

"Ouch."
Garth Simmons 26 - 27 February 2015

28th January followed by the 29th January (soon to be followed again the 30th and 31st and 32nd... no wait... that's not right.  Somehow, that just isn't right.)


I've not written much about my actual artwork for a while.  Artwork is what this blog is meant to be about.  Originally this blog was started as a way of writing about the development of my first solo exhibition and since that finished I've just used to it write about any other artwork and progressively it became more and more a place where I could write about whatever happened to pop into my head.  Now I tend to do that on Facebook status updates so the purpose of this blog is to write things that less people are going to immediately read.  So there is less censorship and more waffling but it is still used as a place for people to find out about my actual artwork.  So should I now define what my actual artwork is?  I've done that before and it's quite helpful for marketing purposes etc but you can only say the same thing a few times.  So as a creative person it's best to use this outlet for writing creatively.  Everything I do should in essence be creative whether it's the way I dress, speak, write or make artwork.  So all actions are in some way linked towards my artwork.  The more integrated into the world I am the more creative I become and the more able I am to be creative, rather than seperating my art into tiny rectangles all things that are me should be my artwork.  This means I have a large amount of creative output but on the negative side (though I see it as a positive) there is little room for intricacy or careful thought.  This is the way it's been my entire life, everyday this is what I have done.  To the point where I have reached where i am now through emotion, intuition and clumsiness.  Three significant events have happened to me:  
1:  I was born.  
2:  I stumbled about for 33 years  
3:  I arrived here.  

I suppose I should congratulate my operating system for all the hard work it has been doing. Though it does let me down sometimes perhaps it is letting me down deliberately.  "No Garth, I won't let you do that.  I have calculated that future events will fall into place better if you fail at everything for the next 3 years."  

My operating system also writes me lots of to do lists to complete... or perhaps I am writing them for my operating system.  Perhaps the line between me and the operating system is a bit blurred and I have more responsibility over my actions than I would like to admit.  Now that is a scary thought.  Am I the operating system?  Sometimes I feel like an operating system.  If I am the operating system then who is me?  This is very confusing.  No wonder my drawings in my diary aren't so good this week.  There is no one in the pilot seat.  

:    ::::::::::::    :30th - 1st February:   ::::::::::::    :

My least favourite type of employment is working in a call centre.  Thankfully these days my day job is administration which is much easier.  However, one of the highlights of working in a call centre is that all day your hands are free to do lots of crazed doodling, which as an admin person you simply don't have time to do.  Compare the drawing above, on the left, to the drawing below. 

One is an admin drawing and the other is a call centre drawing.  The difference is very obvious.  Is it worth working in a mundane job if it produces better, more patient and time consuming artwork?

This week has definitely not been patient.  I've simply been drawing for a few minutes and then thinking "that will do, whatever, I've managed to fill that page of diary suffiently".

I'm not sure if it's the cold but I've just not got the enthusiasm to create directly.  Usually these things happen in obsessive waves and I think I'm going through a less than obsessive wave.

On the plus side.  Look at the right page which symbolizes my weekend.  Look at all of those tasks crossed off my list.  The operating system really did it's job this weekend.  We worked well together.

February $nd to February £rd

I have spent most of my subconscious time wondering how much money I am going to make in the near future.  This is what art looks like when you are motivated solely by money.  

I promise I will start doing proper drawings again on my next blog entry and hopefully some new pieces of artwork.  In the meantime, here are some photos:

21st January - 25th January

21-22nd January

Reoccurence is a haunting spinning that bores away at the edges of all my platforms.  This will not be the state of things forever.  At some point every thing will end and we will all be gone and I all the wonderful people I know will be no more.  What if I refuse to reoccur?   Then perhaps nothing will ever reoccur again.  The gnawing on my platforms will finally stop and we can descend and ascend completely of our own free will.  What if reincarnation is real?  We meet the same people in different lifetimes, does that mean that over every lifetime all we will do is hurt each other over and over and over again.  If so then what set these things in motion?  Could and should it be stopped?  Perhaps it is worth it for the friendship of the people that actually stay in your life.  Also i would eventually end up in a century that has space travel.  

Sometimes my overactive imagination gets the better of me.  Sometimes it is of benefit to me.  The problem with my overactive imagination is that I have an over active mouth.  So I can end up saying exactly what it is that I'm imagining really well.  Sometimes I can use this to come to very quick and intuitive conclusions, a lot of which I'm not sure where they've come from, which is quite scary that I've worked something out long after I've actually said it (or imagined it).  My mouth moves faster than my actual brain.  Socially I am like an awful force of nature.  On my own my thoughts can become so internalized that I'm just stuck in a hall of cracked mirrors.  The thing is I've only just realized that this predicament is moderately unique to me.  I've no idea what other people do inside their heads.  For a long time I've been assuming that we are all the same.

23RD))))))) ----- 24TH))))))) ------- 25TH)))))))(((((((AS you can tell from the quality of the image above my fancy mobile phone broke this weekend and I have had to put my SIM card into my old phone which doesn't have as good a quality camera.)

(when my phone broke - ____ I didn't actually care
It was interesting to see what it would become.  It had a room inside it that flashed with an odd pulsing light. It could only be seen for a half a second on each occurence and the occurences became progressively less and less.  These days it is difficult to see or experience anything that will never ever exist again.  Everything can be photographed.  Life can be rendered into 2 dimensionals planes of light,... [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]

If my had broken 6 months ago.  I would have cared.
My progress and self esteem were at a very high at the point when my phone broke.  And all problems i have in my life at the moment far outweigh damaged technology.   [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]

[If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]

*******

*******

********

*******

******

On a weekend of plans and non achievements what really does exist.  My pattern filter falls down and is cracked across the screen.  The real world emerges in all it's murder, sadness, shadow and decay. All the people I have ever cared for or loved are dying.  We will all eventually disappear.  This seems to motivate me to enjoy every moment I can but sometimes the pressure of this expectation is overwhelming.  Especially because the world is so sad.  Edges traced along my pulse which if you held onto would move you slowly persistently.  If you were contained in my moment then you would understand.  It is strange to be  on the outside looking in.  Interactions are cold and fractured.  Each fragment containing more potential but lost in a mosaic.  A deformed ballet dance in my deformed brain performed by social dynamics.

All things considered, I am doing very well for myself.  The above is all just secondary concerns. Unfortunately I am sensitive to secondary concerns.  But why stifle sensitivity.  I do what I do because of who I am.  To be steadfast to these principles is what precepts change.  I believe in my developing moral code and perhaps one day other people will.

I am pretentious..... 

.......but how could I not be?  Wouldn't you be as well?

19th - 20th January

CHAPTER 1.19 - 1.20

In which our hero becomes enmeshed in the political struggles of 1047 million digital super powers... all the while still having to deal with the unanswerable conundrum of his heart.... Meanwhile the sharp organic shards gather, they  are finally consoled of their pain and ready to subvert the world anew.  A new dawn awakens but why is it wearing lime and beige military boots?  They are stomping but why does the impact of their feet on the floor sound like rats chewing on cables?

19th - 20th January:           #######                      0291

Garth places his keycard against the outer console.  The smooth, featureless, metal door whirs open. Garth steps into the elevator and stands next to another man Garth has never seen before, who must work in one of the many other departments of InterCore.  The man is wearing a blue shirt with the top button undone and a pair of black trousers.  Garth as usual feels badly dressed for his role at InterCore... wearing a much too loose houndstooth coat reminiscent of a destitute Sherlock Holmes and a pair of red jeans and a geometrically patterned shirt and clashing jacket, all of which is somehow dominated by a pair of black and white two tone brogues (which give the false  impression that Garth likes jazz and is good at dancing)... Garth feels scrutinized once again for his choice of clothing.
Garth knew it was too late to pretend.  The impact of Garth's personality and clothing choices had already been inflicted onto the consciousnesses of his entire department.  To suddenly strip back would be a sign of weakness, and Deputy Controller ENN1276 hated weakness in the organic components of It's mainframe.

*****

Deep inside the mainframe, Deputy Controller ENN1276 detected a moment of flailing self importance in one of It's components....

Deputy Controller ENN1276 emmited a data pulse to Central command:

"COMPONENT: G SIMMONS is showing signs of self importance.... detecting possibility of minor rebellion. Has already subverted the dress code of InterCore to the limits of acceptable disobedience. Please advise."

Deputy Controller ENN1276 received an instant reply to Its Inbox:

"Central Command is currently out of office and will be back on 30th January 2015, thank you for your patience.  If your enquiry is important please contact Pseudo Events Coordinator ALF4215"

Deputy Controller ENN1276 clenched Its digital fists.... It hated ALF4215 so much.  No way was It going to ask the Pseudo Events Coordinator for help.

*****

Garth hangs up his coat and sits down.  Allowing the InterCore server on his PC to scan his retina so Garth could access the Data Field.  The light flashed in Garth's eyes and Garth thought about the film he watched last night called I, Origins.  Which was about the idea of eye patterns reoccurring and the possibility of this proving reincarnation.  Garth wondered if perhaps the familiarity he had with the people he met had anything to do with past lives.  Garth certainly felt no familiarity with the machines of InterCore.

"WELCOME BACK TO INTERCORE:  G SIMMONS."  read the screen after confirming Garth's identity.

Garth plugged the USB cable into the port on his neck and prepared to load up the interface... also he opened up small window in the corner of the Data Field in which he could cheekily distract himself with social media.

*****

Garth opened his front door, not exhausted from a day working at InterCore.  InterCore was a very easy job and within walking distance of the dilapedated building where Garth lived with his pet SnaffleHush: Klaudius, Klaud for short.  Garth stepped into the confines of his living space.  The antique hinged door closing behind him.  Garth made sure it was secure all the whilst Klaud slithered against Garth's ankles... leaving a trail of his phosphorescent fur on Garth's trouser leg.
Garth picked up Klaud and rubbed Klaud's slimey body all over his face.
"I have missed you today Klaud Klaud." says Garth affectionately.  Klaud attempts to struggle free, flailing tentacles slapping against the wall.
Garth sets him on the floor and fills his bowl with dried whippersnatches.  Klaud unfurls his proboscis and starts to suck the musky dust from the insides of the whippersnatches corpses. Garth pets Klaud on the head as he eats and looks around his flat.  
Some serious pattern making had to be done tonight.  Garth had a contract to secure with the Print and Fashion Houses of the Tri-Planet Consortium and it was already the year 2040 in that quadrant... Garth would have to follow trend reports from 2020.  Trend reports tend to repeat themselves approximately every 20 years.  
Garth sat down on his laptop, plugging the USB plug into his neck.  He was ready to enter his Pattern Sphere.  Ready for the big time.  One day he wouldn't need InterCorp.  
Garth entered his Pattern Sphere and opened today's file of memory images and associated imaginations conjured in the Subconscious Processor.   

There were definitely other things to do.  Other concerns.  Others.  Though these things were not quantifiable.  Not part of the bigger plan.  Garth set to work... but before he did that he opened up a small window in the corner of the pattern sphere in which he could cheekily distract himself with social media.  He might get some nice messages.

12th - 18th January

HERE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT AND WITH GRAMMATICAL ERRORS GALORE I PRESENT THE LATEST PAGES OF MY DIARY: 

//////////////////12th - 13th January/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////   

Feeling very very at home within my day job at Siemens though also knowledgeable that I am a complete fraud... I have no real interest in Siemens or in what they do but I manage to maintain an interest.  I convince myself I love filing and organizing and entering the data on the system.  This is actually true.  I'm not in the habit of lying to myself.  (contradictions in this paragraph?  Don't worry I've noticed too.)  In all honesty I'm not entirely sure what it is I'm doing, though at the same time I am pretty sure... I'm fairly certain I understand what I'm doing better than other people do.  So in the workplace I might have the appearance of a slack slightly dopey but well dressed weirdo who has completely lost at life... this isn't their fault it's simply that work is a place wherein I relax.  It could even be likened to sleep or meditation.  An 7-8 hour trance state in which all things are processed good and bad and then the logical conclusion of those things are turned into more concrete things. Boxes made out of felt tip full of tasks and duties and organizations of the things that will make me achieve.

This isn't difficult to do at the weekends where i don't have the benefit of an 8 hour trance state but the quiet time is certainly beneficial.  Perhaps with more dedication to my position here I would likely not find it quite so relaxing.  In contrast my personal and creative life is energizing and emotional to the point wherein I have no idea what I'd doing.  Going to the office is like stretching an elastic band backwards and then in the evenings letting it snap against all my various activities and friends.  Though this means that although things can get done very quickly as a consequence if I see anyone then I will end up talking too much... or in some form or another I am me too much.  This is both a weapon and a point of entry, but if you enter what you'll find is a room covered wall to wall with sharp objects ready to hurt.  Those sharp objects are double edged so they hurt either way they are pushed.  A lot of people are wearing gauntlets so they don't get hurt and I am essentially a sharp but touchable object.  As for me, I get stronger through suffering.  The sharp object room is both good and bad... and it definitely looks cool.  And it is honest, virtuous and definite and infinite.

(everything I say about myself here is insubstantial and subject to vast shifts on a minute by minute basis - therefore it is unreliable.  Always.  Apart from when it is reliable.   I must remember that the only person who would think it worth 2nd guessing me is myself.  Please do not take me seriously.  Every day is a real hoot.)

==={{{===[]===][][]===FOURTEENTH AND FIFTEENTH JANUARY 2015 =====+++++[[]]+++++}}}]]}}]   

Instead of thinking about my interior spaces I take some responsibility.  Decisions that are unselfish and completely mine but which affect others.  These are the choices that are made everyday I suppose.  Guilt over such choices cannot be avoided.  Regret over what has been changed or what potential has been lost also cannot be avoided.  What can be avoided?  Each action another has made within my life has caused consequences and shifts.  I just don't feel right being able to have this much impact on other people.  For years I have underestimated myself and my capability to cause damage which is worrying because I've no idea how to work how much damage has been caused.  Now perhaps I am overestimating myself.  So I might be getting to a point where I don't want to touch the world and people around me in fear of breaking it and them.  Perhaps what I need to realize is that other people are much more grown up than me.

(Social event:   Drawing club at the Sandbar on Wednesday, a lot of the people their were very illustrative and precise whilst our end of the table was much more disorganized.  In retrospect though, I think our bit was better)

16th ---------------------------------- 18th

16th ---------------------------------- 18th

After a week of soul searching and making difficult choices it is nice to actually have a victory.  Perhaps a small or large victory, it is too soon to say so far.  Basically the sensation of being a pin ball hitting the 1000 point buffer over and over again in quick succession.  WINNING WINNING WINNING WINNING WINNING and then..... whoops.  The pin ball has just dropped back down and you have to hit it again.  Hit the pin ball with the flappers of life.  Only time will tell if I can keep hitting the 1000 point buffer but with any luck it is possible.  

Sometimes my life is very filmic.  This time last year I was working for the Manchester City Council call centre which I hated.  I was waiting for my voluntary redundancy.  My desk was surrounded by hundreds of crazed biro scribble doodles all of my interior landscapes... which I think at the time were very scary.  Also because you are sat at a desk for 8 hours you have a chance to get into some really obsessive detail.  Anyway I remember that this time last year my manager was at my desk picking up one particular image I'd drawn and laughing with the other managers "Artistic or perhaps autistic" and them all having a good chuckle.  The laugh is now on them.  A year later this doodle is being worn at the Golden Globe Awards by some actress called Malin Akerman and also was Fashion Times top 3 thing to buy this xmas (just under some gold watch and a pair of torn up jeans)... I would provide a link for where it can be bought but they have appeared to have sold out for the moment.  

You'll see a part of my diary where it says "I must try not to be a super villain".   Perhaps I am a super villain.  I certainly have the right sort of cat for it.  I live in a lair.  I have plans of world domination and stacked up piles of bitterness and resentment going back further than I can even remember.  I have the potential to be a glowering Doctor Claw sat in a perspex chair petting a cat and having a good cackle.  Thankfully this isn't what I am and not what I am ever going to be.  Though you have to admit it does sound pretty cool. 

The reason I would never become a super villian is because I have a wonderful support network of friends who keep me grounded and real.  Things could have easily gone in a different direction but I was lucky to attract wonderful people into my life.  If I hadn't then I doubt I would be very good at what I do.  One thing that must be said for cartoon super villains, is that they never win.  They are shrouded in bitterness, ego and their motives tend to be revenge or an affirmation of their ego.  But they always fail because they are not loved.  Except in the real world... in the real world you can go very far with bitterness, ego and the need to crush... though thankfully I've never wanted to live in the real world that much, or at least not entirely.  

I watched the film Whiplash at the cinema.  Essentially it was Rocky with drums.  But what it lacked that the Rocky sequence doesn't lack is any humanity or love.  Ambition, obsession etc are all well and good but without some form of grounding energy like friends, family and pets then your doomed to a life of misery speckled with small achievements each one trying to be bigger... but each achievement looks like a small sweaty faced man hitting a drum kit for ages.  Some of which are faster than others but all of them are the same size.  Anyway it was an okay film but afterwards it definitely seemed to miss the point of how to be creatively successful.

I use the word successful now but in any moment my pinball could be dropping away from the "DING DING DING WINNING" 1000 point buffer.  

The majority of my weekend was spent indoors exercising and watching television shows.  Also a little bit of organizing of my jpegs and patterns ready for a new production phase coming soon to a lazy bones near you.  The above photo is my wall.  With the saturation and contrast turned up.  And a bit of my hair in the corner.

I also cut my hair a little bit.  I'm not sure if this is a good thing as I've just timed it badly as I've also got a rather large boil appearing on the left side of my nose.  I have two new facial differences to get used to when I look in the mirror.

7th January - 11th January

7th+8th January = 7th8th January

Visit to Hester.  Visit to Post Office.  Visit to Morrisons. Completion and emailing of pattern design to Art on Fashion.  Events either to distract and avoid responsibilities or to connect to the proper routine.  My world can be integrated into common place activities and I tend to find these things help to process the plans into concrete successes.  Too much dedication to a cause can detract from the humanity of my host and lead me to obsessive inward looking repetition.  This would lead to circling the same things over and over and expressing the same null void between emotional nothing and everything.  Writing this 5 days after the day means that things are forgotten and things are elaborated or missed out.  Though through the imagery above there were lots of highlighter pens involved in my activities.

9th - 11th January

Processing very slow data at work gave me the opportunity to listen to a very long 4 part Youtube lecture on Soren Kierkegaard - this was quite inspiring but my quandary of the weekend and perhaps my entire life is not so much developing a personal and spiritual philosophy but how to moralistically fit that into my inter relations with other people.  It's difficult to contain feelings and thoughts that might cause harm. These days I usually don't bother and just say anything I like all the time which is quite liberating and seems to make people appreciate me.  Appreciation is not enough though, what is required is a method to never hurt anyone ever again and perhaps never to be hurt by anyone ever again.  If this requires lies and cover ups then perhaps that's the best way, after all what is wrong with a little lie here and there if the rest of the time you are completely honest?  Or are you completely honest if you let yourself believe the lies that you tell yourself?  How mutable is the truth and how often do we actually tell the truth.  Can words actually be accurate when they are describing intangible feelings?

Can words make the intangible tangible or do they distort it into something that wasn't either there in the first place?  A PROBLEM.  SOLUTION?  In order to stop myself from hurting anyone else I would have to contain my feelings and to contain who I am, to never say anything to anyone,  would that be a moral thing to do?  This is why feelings must be filtered through diplomacy.  That way there is a compromise.

As an introverted extroverted introvert extrovert I require other people's validation in order to survive in my infinite messy singularity.  I get validation but it isn't enough.  Why?  Because of trust.

I didn't manage to get all my tasks this weekend.  A rather late one on Saturday due to a friend's birthday but all together lots of nice events have happened to give me the excuse to not bother.  Also my thoughts are such a tumble of things that I always get something worked out.
There should be no confinement for anything inside myself.  Not if I am going to be free.  How much easier would my life be if I went entirely onto some automatic self trusting autopilot?  How much more entertaining?   Though it seems that through expressing myself in this blog, my day to day thoughts and activities, that there will always be ommissions despite me not editing what I type.  I worry that this diary/blog excercise could become a very tiring and constant project.  Very repetitive to read too.  Also you have to question why I would share all of this?  What is the point?  Does it make me a bad person?  Vain, self indulgent and so on.

Time to stop asking questions.  Though when you do data entry for 7 hours a day then asking questions is the best way to amuse yourself.  Is that a vital aspect of my development?  The fact that I contain so much thought and mental energy over 35 hours of the week?  It is never time to stop asking questions.  My life is so hectic what with this cat to cuddle all the time.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -  I am trying to be FUNNY.