Bear in mind that EBay is not going to be my future forever. I have other things planned and other hobbies. It's become an enjoyable routine now - like a second and better but less well paid job.
Rooting through all my masses of collage materials and mass producing small images to put into little plastic sleeves. Little windows into the vagueness of my dwindling soul. Zoomed closer to the minute quivering and seeing the sparks that exist underneath it's anxious surface.
I still exist and I'm not dead and I'm still working towards a larger game plan. This is another step towards the end point. It's not forever.
Some days all the randomised computations make sense - they converge into one definitive mission statement when I know why I'm doing this and all the vagueness and fog that surrounded me before disperses and I see the point very clearly..... That's when I should be putting my thoughts into words - when I should pull out a notepad and grasp exactly what it is that I'm aiming for and write it out as a cohesive and simple To Do List.
Problem is truth is flexible and mutable and the self isn't fixed. Dreams and hopes can create a false path which becomes so obviously wrong later in the planning stages. The truth and self have mutated beyond any recognisable form. An image is cut from the masses of materials and isolated into a box and treated as if it's something true and valid but then it collapses into something lazy. Losing it's essence and magic. Some art becomes lazy. It's no longer right and it's no longer me.
So at the moment I'm a mass production machine - ramming things together or cutting pieces away. Prefabricated imagery. Showing vagaries of myself depicting nothing new or unusual. Like a statue full of living organs. A mind stuck inside a hollow shell of cement. There is no shame in this and it doesn't make me feel inferior and it doesn't make my artwork feel any less. Each attempt is an experience and the output I'm making isn't anyone else's. Someone could buy a hundred images from me and cut them up and paste them together in a different configuration and make something that looks aesthetically better. I could program a machine that uses my artwork and permutates all the images I make at a rapid rate producing a image every minute.
Would that be a hollow version of myself? Like I was turned inside out and the stone surface was suddenly on the inside? That there would be no heart, disparity, self doubt or humanity in the images?
Or would I transgress biological boundaries and is my heart so strong within my work that my spirit or soul would survive mechanization?
The work that I'm most pleased with since starting my EBaying are images like the above - these images don't seem to sell as well as the images that I think as being more average and typical.
I'd love to reproduce the image above or something like it on a larger scale. For me everything about it works and it keeps working despite.
So best not to take my self criticism or self appraisal too seriously. I change my position often on a day to day basis - mistakes are all part of the process and it's better to make your own judgement on what's good and what's bad. Don't allow what I say to have too much impact on what you like and what you don't like because in all honesty I'm not really that clever. Despite my big words a lot of the time I'm not applying those big words properly. The text on my blog can be completely ignored and you are welcome to deduce my feelings and motives for yourself.
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