Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Art on Fashion Interview

An interview for Art on Fashion has been published - also for the rest of this week the blouse with one of my patterns on it is on sale at 15% off.  A lot of them have already sold which is nice news as hopefully I should have some nice commission money at the end of June.  Me and Claude Cat both need more money.  There are more products coming out through this company featuring my work so I'll likely share them as they occur.  They have, in all honesty, been very pleasant to work with.

The image I chose for the interview was the one I thought was least complimentary.  I think I did this to challenge my ego (which needs to be challenged as much as possible) and also because I didn't want to look too posed and cool (because I am not).  Also my living space has done all the posing for me, to do more would just look silly.

I actually prefer this one:

Friday, 22 May 2015


13 - 14 OUTSIDE potentials,  Repeated escalations.  Misapprehensions.  Apprehension.  Somehow they don't fit into me.  The box labelled with apprehensions of mis or non missed is soggy.  When lifted it falls to pieces like wet bread.  No matter how stale. 

Hope always leads to more hope.  The things that go wrong appear to be created to distract me from the developments that are ongoing but towards which I feel a frustrated impatience.

Enjoy any temporary distractions (within "reason").  
Ongoing developments will develop.

15 - 17 PRISON drama.   The idea that this will last forever.  That somehow everything is always locked in place and will always repeat itself.  Until I wither away into a living dust way past the end of my life sentence.

Sometimes I wonder how I arrived here in this city.  Why I am with the people I am with.  How we are in a shared experience of standing around an atrocity.  These are not questions.

It's not a central problem.  The problem is in the walls.  The problem is the surfaces.  All their forms and differences.  Shapes which tear one another apart.

Flowers led into inverted darkness.  A false daylight.  They cannot feel the sun.  They can no longer breathe.

We have everything else to blame for our problems.

18 - 19 CONTRACTS are in the process of being built.  Potentialities are starting to surround me.  This makes me happy but also overwhelmed.  Perhaps my chemistry at this point in the week is unable to deal with this.  People at my normal job now know about my double life.  There are some exaggerations that are both amusing and terrifying.  Can I live up to my own mythology?

My chemistry.  Everyday my wall chart looks down on me.  My enemy and myself.  Everyday it grows.  The future has more and more key dates.  This is both my attempt at planning ahead but also an unhealthy method of controlling the future.

Does this method work?
Is that a problem?
Not yet.
So it will be eventually?
Not if I plan ahead.

Feel positive about the fact that I am amazing and that I am prepared.

20 -21 EMPTIED despite my reassurances.
Moments of voidfullness.... voidfullness is very difficult to fill.
Voidfullness would prefer that I get into bed and forget that I am real.
Conversely when I do this..., I feel more real in my inactivity.
Staring at walls or the insides of my eyelids.
My body feels all the more real in inactivity.
When my body feels real that is when I feel I am human.
Sometimes I wonder if "human" is just another word.
A category.

"Human" is just a category.

Thursday, 21 May 2015

Close Ups

I have recently been going through all my patterns on Patternbank and adding descriptions so they are more likely to be found on their search engine.  In the process I've zoomed in on a few of them and noticed how intricate some of the details are and how these can be utlized for future artworks.  Lately I have been focusing on pattern making but more specifically on securing new pattern contracts.  I have about 3 or 4 in the pipeline which is good news though they do take a while to materialize.  I do plan to return to making actual artwork at some stage and due to my work organically growing from previous work I have deduced from these close ups that the artwork is actually producing itself in my absence from making it. 

I am thinking that when I turn 35 I will start making artwork again.  Using printers and collage techniques to take it to a new level.  There are all sorts of shapes and forms that are making themselves known to me and this method has a certain autonomy to it.

Anyway here are some close up images to help demonstrate that artwork is still being created by me.  It is just hidden deep within my pattern designs waiting to be utilized at a later date.

Friday, 15 May 2015

6 - 12 May


Nothing happened again.   So why make anything with a resounding impact?  To give an impression that in some way these two days were interesting?   In effect everyday is interesting... even if nothing interesting actually happens everything is all part of a very long drawn out phase shift.  I keep having to remind myself that nothing stays the same.  So if nothing happens then there is still something gradual and important in that nothing.

Is "nothing" painful?
It depends on how much you want change.

Do I want change?

How much?


The Conservative are now in power and we are about to head into a 5 year period of horror and oppression.  This isn't quite the sort of change I was after.  I was more hoping to become self employed and to be in a fulfilling relationship but sadly the changes that this world offers us tends to be changes in human rights laws so the authorities will be able to beat up whoever they like.

I've even noticed when walking down the streets that there are more homeless people.  Only 2 days after the election.  Also the prices seem to have gone up by 15p on some things... and shopkeepers all seem a little bit more rude and chagrined.  Lacking their usual jovial sense of humor when I talk to them.  I feel guilty looking happy and smiling at people on the street now because people might think I have voted Conservative and that I'm happy they have gotten into power.   I've even thought about changing my wardrobe so that I'm more obviously left wing... I worry that my clothing looks too smart and colonialist.

Culturally perhaps this is good news.  The 1980s under Thatcher produced some very amazing reactionary art, music, comedy, literature and films.  Hopefully actual real life problems to be angry about will pull culture out of it's dead end "self aware and ironic" hole and art will actually be about something again.  I'm not too worried about the cuts in the arts, at least not personally, as my work has always been too self indulgent to receive or even bother applying for arts council funding.  It's never been of benefit to the community around me.  Maybe because being self absorbed makes a person not have any interest in the community around them.  What is odd about the election result is that it does make me feel more engaged with those sorts of things.

11- 12th

Some dystopic facebook posts:

"Even though the world is going wrong, I still look cool.
I think that the media should hire me to walk slowly towards the camera, like James Bond, for any of their more upsetting news reports. I would walk through natural disasters, riots, holocausts and so forth.
I would wear quirky suits and ties, often sunglasses, and my hair would always be voluminized to the max... I would swagger elegantly towards the viewer in slow motion with debris and bodies flying around me.
People would be reassured and feel as if the situation is within State control.
I would sometimes pause and light up a cigarette. Looking into the distance with a James Dean gaze and a wistful turn to my lips. Existentially contemplating the rotting corpses and burning buildings.
This would then be followed by an advert for cigarettes.
Scientists have recently discovered that smoking cures cancer.
In other news the economy is doing well and the UK is the 3rd richest independent state. Problems of immigration, unemployment and overpopulation have all been solved.
Please donate to the Cremation Pit Charity.
Keep Our Country Clean and Prosperous."
"9.07am on May 12th 2018. The Economic Office:
The fly landed on Zoe B's clean, white, plastic desk. She froze in her computations and pushed herself back on her wheeled chair... her eyes fixed on the insect.
Her immediate impulse was to send a signal from her Bluetooth implant to the Sanitation Team... but she couldn't do that. Not at this stage in the ‪#‎Game‬.
Calling for a public service would cost her 32 D-Merits and she was only 48 Merits away from getting into ‪#‎Stage3‬ - at #Stage3 she would be only 3 stages away from ‪#‎winning‬.
She couldn't afford to use the public service. She would have to find some other way to get rid of the fly.
"Why aren't you at the Crematorium Pit?" she hissed at the fly. "Why aren't you licking the dried shit from the corpses of the immigrants, the unemployed and all the other bottom feeders?"
The fly tilted his head to the side quizzically... and then rubbed his front legs together hungrily before extruding his proboscis onto a small, sweet, sugary mocha stain.
Zoe felt ashamed when she saw the mocha stain. She had created this contamination and brought this monster into her office. She felt all the more relieved that she hadn't called Sanitation Team. Her penalty would have been a lot more costly than a mere 32 D-Merits.... ‪#‎LOSER‬!"

I have been writing quite a lot of short stories of late.  I think the 500 word maximum word limit suits me well and am entering a few "flash fiction stories"... I was going to combine some better statuses into a longer format so it would form a longer story made up of shorter stories and submit that to a writing prize.  It's something to do and it's nice to have a hobby that, unlike my art and pattern design, I don't take too seriously.
I'm hoping that my short story Vagina Hand is going to be accepted into the science fiction magazine I submitted it to.  Though it probably won't and to be honest I would completely understand why if it didn't...  

Friday, 8 May 2015

1 - 5 May (bank holiday weekend)

Accidental destruction - set fire to my list on the stove.  I still remembered all my duties regardless of this.  A list for me now is mere subconscious programming.  My body and consciousness are collectively a clumsy automaton controlled by my instructions. 

Deliberate destruction  - omit facts and omit words and omit feelings and omit self and omit me and omit --------- ----------- ----------------- ---------------------- ----- -------------- -------------- ----------- ------------------ ----- -- -- --  -------------------------    -----------------------------           --------------------------------------  my omissions are gaps ------ gaping cowardice serving my lack of -------------- gaps ----------------------------------------- ------------- ------------------------------------------ my ---------- like gaps in teeth ----------------- purposeless?  ------------ ingrained ------------------- cut it to pieces and forget that it happened.  I probably won't learn from my mistakes.


------------- alienate -------- confound ----- remove myself --------------
D- ----- really n--d -------? 
1. Fill in blanks
2. ......
3. ..........
5. Face consquences

Friday, 1 May 2015

24th - 30th April 2015

24th - 26th April:

No.... it is never simple.  I don't think I would be happy with simplicity.  This nutrient bar was very patronizing.  I don't like its tone.


27th - 28th April

I'm quite fortunate to have handwriting that can't actually be read... even so I feel the need to sometimes obscure blur and edit myself.  The difference between a real diary and a faux art blogster diary is that one is private and the other one is public.  Though there still needs to be some kind of reality and honesty to a public chronicle of.... events and things.

Not everything has to be right in front of people though.  I've lived long enough to deserve an interior world.

I'm not letting people (who are not even reading this) take that away.

Simple... isn't it?


29th - 30th April

What is very simple is data entry.  On the last few days of the month I have to process a huge backlog of incoming information so financial projections I don't understand can be made.  This is all very fun and with some cut and paste methods and some very pretty colour coding I can process the work of double the men that I consist of.... so I can do a job that would usually require two people.

This may be because I have a superhuman ability to zone out and go into a nothing world and turn into a robot.  It's a trick I learnt when I was very young.  But even when I become robotic and I am staring into nothingness there is still something happening in my head.  Something much more serious and spellbinding.

Administrative work is very conducive towards my creativity.  Even though from the outside it might look as if I am in a zombified coma... there is more happening behind my glazed glass eyes.

I suppose it's similar to when cats stare into nothingness.  Their eyes can see things we can't.  They stare at the light reflecting off pieces of dust.  That's what my creative process is made out of.


Simple... isn't it?