13th - 21st May OUTSIDE PRISON CONTRACTS EMPTIED

13 - 14 OUTSIDE potentials,  Repeated escalations.  Misapprehensions.  Apprehension.  Somehow they don't fit into me.  The box labelled with apprehensions of mis or non missed is soggy.  When lifted it falls to pieces like wet bread.  No matter how stale. 

Hope always leads to more hope.  The things that go wrong appear to be created to distract me from the developments that are ongoing but towards which I feel a frustrated impatience.

Conclusion:  

Enjoy any temporary distractions (within "reason").  

Ongoing developments will develop.

15 - 17 PRISON drama.   The idea that this will last forever.  That somehow everything is always locked in place and will always repeat itself.  Until I wither away into a living dust way past the end of my life sentence.

Sometimes I wonder how I arrived here in this city.  Why I am with the people I am with.  How we are in a shared experience of standing around an atrocity.  These are not questions.

It's not a central problem.  The problem is in the walls.  The problem is the surfaces.  All their forms and differences.  Shapes which tear one another apart.

Flowers led into inverted darkness.  A false daylight.  They cannot feel the sun.  They can no longer breathe.

Conclusion:
We have everything else to blame for our problems.

18 - 19 CONTRACTS are in the process of being built.  Potentialities are starting to surround me.  This makes me happy but also overwhelmed.  Perhaps my chemistry at this point in the week is unable to deal with this.  People at my normal job now know about my double life.  There are some exaggerations that are both amusing and terrifying.  Can I live up to my own mythology?

My chemistry.  Everyday my wall chart looks down on me.  My enemy and myself.  Everyday it grows.  The future has more and more key dates.  This is both my attempt at planning ahead but also an unhealthy method of controlling the future.

Does this method work?
Yes.
Is that a problem?
Not yet.
So it will be eventually?
Not if I plan ahead.

Conclusion:
Feel positive about the fact that I am amazing and that I am prepared.

20 -21 EMPTIED despite my reassurances.
Moments of voidfullness.... voidfullness is very difficult to fill.
Voidfullness would prefer that I get into bed and forget that I am real.
Conversely when I do this..., I feel more real in my inactivity.
Staring at walls or the insides of my eyelids.
My body feels all the more real in inactivity.
When my body feels real that is when I feel I am human.
Sometimes I wonder if "human" is just another word.
A category.

Conclusion:
"Human" is just a category.