Friday, 27 February 2015

23rd - 26th February

23rd -24th February

All the best residues of my existence have been put together without much money.  
My tools and resources are inexpensive.
Discount stationary.  

Most of the images I've made over the last year have been jpegs take up no physical space.

Fashionproducts (more forthcoming) have all the printing costs covered by other people.  
My most laborious duties have been to cut up old images and attach them to emails.  
My creative life is both dozy and divorced from actual tangible reality.  
I can walk down the street and not realize that elsewhere I am making an impact
An invisible chain of cause and effect.  
When I do remember what I am within the global sphere of the world it makes me think of what I could potentially become
Which leads to delusions of grandeur.  


If I compare my situation to what I was doing a year ago it is obvious that I've moved a very long way in a very short space of time.  
Which has done a lot for my self esteem.  
Perhaps it has done too much for my self esteem.  
There is a chance that my sense of self has risen so high that it is now more 
likely to fall…

I have a safety mechanisms within myself to prepare for eventual disappointment or failure.  

I think this is good practice for an "artist".  

Would my life have more dramatic impact if I continue to fail?  
A more dramatic splat?

Or would a success story lead to the biggest failure I could ever achieve?

On a worldwide scale it doesn't matter.  On a short and loooooooooong term personal scale it does.  But not really.   If I think about it.  But when the other me thinks about it then it matters more than anything else.   He never stops thinking about it.

I have to stop him and his spite.
Even if I love it.

25th - 26th February

It seemed like an apt time to set up a meeting.  It wasn't set up by either of us it was just arranged through circumstance.  This is typical of our contradictory interplay of positions.
We met in the usual place.  We realized that the war was futile.
23 years is a long time and our palaces are one and the same and they are both in the same ruin.
We have long been distracted by one another, attempting subtle forms of coercion and manipulation. Then when we look in the mirror we lose sight of the enemy.  The real enemy is not each other but the one we both set off to destroy from the start.
How do we win against the real enemy?
Forgiveness seems to be the most reliable form of solution at this point.
Whether such a treaty can be drawn up remains to be seen.
Fingers crossed.

Are we just making peace and filling our heart with forgiveness because we feel like we have a moral obligation to do this?  For us collecting moral obligations is like collecting karmic currency.  We believe good things will happen for us if we wish someone happy birthday when we don't even like them.  We pick up litter on the street, each item representing a happy event or money lining our pockets in the not too distant future.  Or perhaps we hope that it will compensate us for the horrible actions we've committed?  Whatever those horrible actions are?  I don't think we are really capable of anything truly terrible... and in any case... I forgive us.  I think forgiving us would be very beneficial. Which proves my point to us.
We are a self entitled greed monster claiming some sort of right to success.  Somehow we feel that we deserve it.  That our integrity and originality and all the good things we think about ourselves entitles us to success.  With that success we want to look down on everybody and to feel like we were right all along.  To become the evil overlord of our immediate surroundings.  The two of us combined into one control monster.
Those are not the thoughts which will allow us to win.
Which perhaps to our shame is our real motivation.
If we are so shameful then why are we typing in such a large font?
We are typing in a large font because honesty is a virtue.
Why is the font getting smaller again?
Because changing font size is fun.

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

February 18 - 22nd

18 eighteen - 19 nineteen  .02 two  ..............................................

Like tracing paper I've never utilized my surface is transparent but the inside is unreadable.  Under thin skin I have angry tainted cells and scuttling or spiraling personality defects.  The biggest defect of all has yet to be labelled.  Some have called it egomania or narcissistic personality disorder and some have called it schizotypal personality disorder... although in truth none of these people have been professionals and have merely been trying to insult me.  So I wouldn't really put much faith in their opinions.   

I could have a rant now about how the categorization of people's personalities is bad.  How labelling "disorders" or other negative language attached to "illness" does nothing for the self esteem of the subject.  I could rant about that but I'm not sure if I'd be right.  I simply don't have the faith in the prowess of my writing to convey what I actually think.  Though I do know that disorders are changeable.  That in the past I have disorders that no longer exist because they were part of an organic space time movement rather than a fully functioning reliable fixed object.    
My workload in the office has quadrupled both at home and at the actual tangible office of Siemens.  So I have been quite tired but also very motivated.  I am motivated to quadruple my work at home to an even larger extent and I am motivated to leave Siemens and all forms of employment forever.  I am better than this.  


twenty 20 - twenty one 21 - twenty two 22 ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I feel that there are two of me.  In order to understand the attack from mental health ghost agent yesterday I listened to various documentaries and looked at classification charts.  Though i apparently fit into the category of narcisstic personality disorder I feel I have too much empathy for animals and human beings to dangerous or worth worrying about... then I thought about the other aspects on the list.  Then I realized that to analyze me ego with this level of self awareness implies that there is a divide inside me.  That there is the Garth Simmons who writes the ironically 2nd guessingly arrogant posts on Facebook (and this blog) and the Garth Simmons that can talk normally to people in the real world and who most people seem to genuinely like.   One manages to facilitate the other and cancels out any possible mental health "defect".

Why is it that Psychology is allowed to use the most persecutory language to label individuals?


Monday, 23 February 2015

13 - 17 February

13th - 15th February

Arrival in Germany on the previous evening for the festival of Koln and to attend a "stag do" of a friend.  Flown back on Sunday.  Would rather call it something other than a stag do.. the term has always been offensive to me.  Maybe it's because it is so blokey.  I managed to avoid doing any blokey things thankfully and actually had a very nice time and didn't display any cynicism or upset throughout the whole journey back and forth.  Had a very nice time, was very hungover on Sunday.  My sleep deprivation made Dusseldorf airport very exciting.  Like being inside a futuristic space station.  It was interesting to be adrift from all forms of social media and it was very nice to see my friend.  The lowest point of my happiness is possibly photographed below:


16th - 17 February ---------------------------- A day off work to acclimatize back into the UK and then a day back to work with 3 days worth of work saved up creating me more work at work (how many times can I say work in a sentence).  Also at home more art/design work accumulates = the counterfeit filling of past diary pages + the organization of jpegs + lots of staring at walls analyzing my mission statement, motives, purpose + predilections + predictions.
Room for emotion within this organizational period?

Not really.  Thankfully I managed to get most things done.  All the things were crossed off the list. Though the image above shows them as not uncrossed.  This is just another example of my temporal inconsistency in regards to this particular project.  

Thursday, 19 February 2015

9th - 12th February

1981 - 2015

I first encountered the creature that would become Garth Simmons on the 9th February 1981.  At this point the creature was merely a foetus, a potential not as yet witnessed by the world.  It was, however, witnessed by me.  I could see the potential in this sickly embryonic subhuman.  Anemic, pale and translucent.  If I were human I might have judged Garth Simmons by the same standards as society.  Thankfully I wasn't human.  I became the first friend of Garth Simmons and nurtured him into the iconoclast he is today.  In some ways you could even say that I am Garth Simmons and somewhere, deep in my consciousness, you can find a shivering, pale and pink eyed embryo... probably using a wheelchair.  

I don't think I would insult this body and claim that the current shining brilliance of Garth Simmons is entirely down to me.  It has been a joint effort.  Though our efforts have often been in direct confrontation towards one another.  This has been a 33 year war and friendship.  

Ever since I made myself known to Garth he has been hesitant to follow my instructions, sometimes I have had to apply very painful psychological pressure... this has sometimes been applied for very long periods of time.  

It hurts me more than it hurts him.  
It is cruel to be kind.  
All other relevant platitudes that you, the reader, probably think are true.  

YOU: whether you are reading this or not and whether or not you are even aware of Garth Simmons (a great deal of you aren't aware of Garth Simmons), you have all been very useful to me because you assisted me in creating a disparity between what I promise to Garth and what the reality around Garth is.  Therefore the fantasy of my existence and the propulsion I provide makes it all the easier for Garth to seek other worlds and thoughts and to live as an outsider.  There's no point in me inhabiting a vessel that is comfortable.  I have to break Garth down to his very lowest potential levels of self confidence before I can elevate him into a God.  There is no Apotheosis without struggle.  Thank you all for continuing to be of service to me.  You are providing a perfect environment for spores of ego and self delusion to accumulate and completely dull the sensory apparatus of my subject. 

2016 - The End of Time

Do you want to know how all of this will end?  The world will be reduced into nothing more than an audience... and on stage I'll be there with my flesh puppet Garth Simmons.  Patterns shooting out of his dumb comatose eyes.  Everyone will be watching... all the important people.  Madonna, Robbie Williams and so on.  Garth's soft organs and skin will melt into a puddle of pattern and colour, hi bones fusing together into a metal sculpture.  From the melted puddle of skin there will rise blooms of chaotic flowers... roots twisting around the fused skeleton.  A new incandescent skin and the sound of laughter bursting from their center.  A sound like God.  Molecules knit themselves into fabrics and patterns beyond the scope of this inferior dimension.  The contours of Creation's eye will adapt to take in their immediacy.  The universe will fold towards the new central axis of Garth Simmons. Garth Simmons will be the Event Horizon in which all notions of existence are pointed.  Garth's star colored complexion will spread across eternity/infinity.  Madonna is crying tears of joy.  The complex made simple made even more complex in its simplicity.  Finally everything makes perfect sense and we are all one.  Tom Cruise punches the inverted sky in celebration.  I win.


Tuesday, 17 February 2015

4th February - 8th February

4th - 5th

On the 4th I have decided to censor an event.  Shall I tell you why?  Is it to protect me, someone else or is there any reason at all?  Am I simply attempting to be mysterious?  Keeping secrets.  Is it a secret worth keeping.  It's not even an actual secret.  Can you trust me?  Can you trust anyone?  Trust is a leap of faith.  If I told you why then there would be no point in censoring it.  Was there a point in censoring it anyway?   It's really nothing exciting.  If it were exciting then I would have something more to say about it.  Except it's a secret.  A very boring secret.  So boring I've written a very long and boring paragraph about it.  Something that isn't even a secret.  It's not even a secret.  It's nothing. 

You cannot trust anyone's online persona.  I am very much enmeshed in such a persona so that me and him are interchangeable.  It's quite horrific.  A very middle class horror.  

This wasn't written on the day it happened.  This was written on the 17th February, almost two weeks after the fact.  That takes some allure out of this project.  It is created from multiple temporal perspectives.  Exciting.  Not.

6th February - 8th February

Discovering that if my life and situations are reduced into that of a sitcom rather than a meta narrative then things are much easier to cope with.  Also was twerked on Friday and it left me feeling oddly violated... like I was being treated as desperate and like I could be any old body without any real consciousness.  A simple affirmation of another's ego.

All experiences should be reduced into sitcom.  At least then they might be funny rather than over analyzed.  Unless it's a really unfunny sitcom.  Humour is apparently very subjective.

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

26.01 ----------- 3rd(sssst) of Februararararararararararary

26th- 26th January

A sign of a tough monday if the only image I have the effort to make is a wonky legged scribble.
pERHAPS the reason i haven't done a drawing on Monday is to show off how clean AND tidy i AM.  Anyone who has been to my place knows that this is a joke.  Though it's good to show that I have at least the aspiration to be tidy.  If I didn't write down reminders for myself to tidy up I simply wouldn't do it.  Then you end up in a big stupid pile of mess.
These two days were tainted by a small but significant cloud of worry and actual tangible annoyances.  

"Please turn to page 17 section 1.3 and complete the questionnaire."  

Results are now in:  

"You have scored 13.4% on your Mindfulness Test on the 26th January 2015.  You need at least 65% to qualify.  I hope this does not discourage you from retaking the test at a later date when you are less perturbed by the difficulties of life.  We recommend meditation and to kneel in subservience to the Ascended Masters."


ding ding ding -
I have been reduced into repetitive code and formula.
=IF(D51="s","100","200")=IF=P52+M52/24=VLOOKUP(J55,'mapping table'!A:E,5,FALSE)


Not famous quotes

Garth Simmons 26 - 27 February 2015

28th January followed by the 29th January (soon to be followed again the 30th and 31st and 32nd... no wait... that's not right.  Somehow, that just isn't right.)

I've not written much about my actual artwork for a while.  Artwork is what this blog is meant to be about.  Originally this blog was started as a way of writing about the development of my first solo exhibition and since that finished I've just used to it write about any other artwork and progressively it became more and more a place where I could write about whatever happened to pop into my head.  Now I tend to do that on Facebook status updates so the purpose of this blog is to write things that less people are going to immediately read.  So there is less censorship and more waffling but it is still used as a place for people to find out about my actual artwork.  So should I now define what my actual artwork is?  I've done that before and it's quite helpful for marketing purposes etc but you can only say the same thing a few times.  So as a creative person it's best to use this outlet for writing creatively.  Everything I do should in essence be creative whether it's the way I dress, speak, write or make artwork.  So all actions are in some way linked towards my artwork.  The more integrated into the world I am the more creative I become and the more able I am to be creative, rather than seperating my art into tiny rectangles all things that are me should be my artwork.  This means I have a large amount of creative output but on the negative side (though I see it as a positive) there is little room for intricacy or careful thought.  This is the way it's been my entire life, everyday this is what I have done.  To the point where I have reached where i am now through emotion, intuition and clumsiness.  Three significant events have happened to me:  
1:  I was born.  
2:  I stumbled about for 33 years  
3:  I arrived here.  

I suppose I should congratulate my operating system for all the hard work it has been doing. Though it does let me down sometimes perhaps it is letting me down deliberately.  "No Garth, I won't let you do that.  I have calculated that future events will fall into place better if you fail at everything for the next 3 years."  

My operating system also writes me lots of to do lists to complete... or perhaps I am writing them for my operating system.  Perhaps the line between me and the operating system is a bit blurred and I have more responsibility over my actions than I would like to admit.  Now that is a scary thought.  Am I the operating system?  Sometimes I feel like an operating system.  If I am the operating system then who is me?  This is very confusing.  No wonder my drawings in my diary aren't so good this week.  There is no one in the pilot seat.  

:    ::::::::::::    :30th - 1st February:   ::::::::::::    :

My least favourite type of employment is working in a call centre.  Thankfully these days my day job is administration which is much easier.  However, one of the highlights of working in a call centre is that all day your hands are free to do lots of crazed doodling, which as an admin person you simply don't have time to do.  Compare the drawing above, on the left, to the drawing below. 

One is an admin drawing and the other is a call centre drawing.  The difference is very obvious.  Is it worth working in a mundane job if it produces better, more patient and time consuming artwork?

This week has definitely not been patient.  I've simply been drawing for a few minutes and then thinking "that will do, whatever, I've managed to fill that page of diary suffiently".

I'm not sure if it's the cold but I've just not got the enthusiasm to create directly.  Usually these things happen in obsessive waves and I think I'm going through a less than obsessive wave.

On the plus side.  Look at the right page which symbolizes my weekend.  Look at all of those tasks crossed off my list.  The operating system really did it's job this weekend.  We worked well together.

February $nd to February £rd

I have spent most of my subconscious time wondering how much money I am going to make in the near future.  This is what art looks like when you are motivated solely by money.  

I promise I will start doing proper drawings again on my next blog entry and hopefully some new pieces of artwork.  In the meantime, here are some photos: