23rd - 26th February

23rd -24th February

All the best residues of my existence have been put together without much money.  

My tools and resources are inexpensive.

Discount stationary.  

Most of the images I've made over the last year have been jpegs take up no physical space.

Jpegs.  

Fashionproducts (more forthcoming) have all the printing costs covered by other people.  

My most laborious duties have been to cut up old images and attach them to emails.  

My creative life is both dozy and divorced from actual tangible reality.  

I can walk down the street and not realize that elsewhere I am making an impact

An invisible chain of cause and effect.  

When I do remember what I am within the global sphere of the world it makes me think of what I could potentially become

Which leads to delusions of grandeur.  

But. 

If I compare my situation to what I was doing a year ago it is obvious that I've moved a very long way in a very short space of time.  

Which has done a lot for my self esteem.  

Perhaps it has done too much for my self esteem.  

There is a chance that my sense of self has risen so high that it is now more 
likely to fall…

and 
splat...................ETC.

I have a safety mechanisms within myself to prepare for eventual disappointment or failure.  

I think this is good practice for an "artist".  

Would my life have more dramatic impact if I continue to fail?  

A more dramatic splat?

Or would a success story lead to the biggest failure I could ever achieve?

Splat?  

On a worldwide scale it doesn't matter.  On a short and loooooooooong term personal scale it does.  But not really.   If I think about it.  But when the other me thinks about it then it matters more than anything else.   He never stops thinking about it.


I have to stop him and his spite.

Even if I love it.

25th - 26th February

It seemed like an apt time to set up a meeting.  It wasn't set up by either of us it was just arranged through circumstance.  This is typical of our contradictory interplay of positions.
We met in the usual place.  We realized that the war was futile.
23 years is a long time and our palaces are one and the same and they are both in the same ruin.
We have long been distracted by one another, attempting subtle forms of coercion and manipulation. Then when we look in the mirror we lose sight of the enemy.  The real enemy is not each other but the one we both set off to destroy from the start.
How do we win against the real enemy?
Forgiveness seems to be the most reliable form of solution at this point.
Whether such a treaty can be drawn up remains to be seen.
Fingers crossed.

Are we just making peace and filling our heart with forgiveness because we feel like we have a moral obligation to do this?  For us collecting moral obligations is like collecting karmic currency.  We believe good things will happen for us if we wish someone happy birthday when we don't even like them.  We pick up litter on the street, each item representing a happy event or money lining our pockets in the not too distant future.  Or perhaps we hope that it will compensate us for the horrible actions we've committed?  Whatever those horrible actions are?  I don't think we are really capable of anything truly terrible... and in any case... I forgive us.  I think forgiving us would be very beneficial. Which proves my point to us.
We are a self entitled greed monster claiming some sort of right to success.  Somehow we feel that we deserve it.  That our integrity and originality and all the good things we think about ourselves entitles us to success.  With that success we want to look down on everybody and to feel like we were right all along.  To become the evil overlord of our immediate surroundings.  The two of us combined into one control monster.
Those are not the thoughts which will allow us to win.
Which perhaps to our shame is our real motivation.
If we are so shameful then why are we typing in such a large font?
We are typing in a large font because honesty is a virtue.
Why is the font getting smaller again?
Because changing font size is fun.