16th - 29th March

16th - 17th 

Hope in future interactions comes with a fear of failures that are understandable based on all past experiences.  Permanence appears to be impossible to attain but hope still remains.  Hope is similar to Faith, except it isn't nearly as strong.  Are these lies that we tell ourselves, a way of filling in the things we don't know with positive potentials in order to keep us going.  There is never any real tangible way to predict the future, we can only derive percentages of possibilities and these figures are based on little but supposition.  We cannot judge one another.  Our heads are teeming with opposites and our very nature is to lie to ourselves.  To be in a permanent relationship we require trust in the other person, is this possible if we cannot trust ourselves.  What we really need is hope in the possibility of existing outside of this negative outlook.  This is why we have hope.  Once hope is gone then you end up lying in bed, not moving, not doing anything.  Hope makes me continously try to connect to permanence.

18th -19th

 What is permanance?  Should I write an essay about it?  Probably not as my academic abilities are flawed.  I would be able to string a very long paragraph together on what permanence is but it would contradict itself and then change direction and eventually become something else. 

Question:  Do you want permanence? 

Answer:  Yes but I also want ascension. There would be no use in permanence unless it permanence in an area lifted from my current standing in life.  

Question:  Permanent Happiness?  

Answer:  Probably.  

Question:  How do you believe this is to be attained?  

Answer:  Perhaps a mixture of success and a settled relationship.  

Question:  Do you realize how ordinary this all sounds?  

Answer:  Yes.  

Question:  Then why do you try to make it sound confusing and unique to your situation. 

Answer:  Because this is, in effect, a diary, it would be silly not to write about the issues that are effecting my life no matter whether or not they are universal or individual. 

Question:  You don't actually think you are better or different from anyone?

Answer:  Yes I do believe myself to be very different from other people, but my needs and functionality as a person are not much different, I still require and deserve the same things as other people.  In some ways I deserve less and more but it all evens out into being the same.

Question:  Why are you different?

Answer:  You already know the answer to that.

Question:  But do the people who are reading this who are neither you or me?

Answer:  There is no one else out there reading this.

Question:  Are you sure?

Answer:  No.

20th - 22nd

A lovely trip to Ireland for the weekend with my friend Jack.  I ate too much food and drank too much Guiness, and too much I mean two pints.  I saw this:

http://templederry-londonderry.com/

A very interesting experience of spiritual silence.  It reminded me of being 4 years old and watching Yorkshire Main Colliery being demolished in a large controlled explosion.  There was a quietude that spread across the whole area and only children, like me, actually made noises because they didn't understand the ramifications or in the Temple's case, symbolism.

Ireland is a lot like England except the people are nicer, the food tastes better and everything is ever so slightly better in general.  I wish people in the UK were more accepting.

23rd - 24th

I sent off my work for this exhibition on the monday:

Then I went back to work on the Tuesday....  I woke up that morning and realized that for the past 6 months I've been working in Finance.   It was quite an odd sensation.  Why haven't I realized this sooner?

25rd - 26th

The above image is actually a drawing of something real.  You can see a settee, a cricket bat, a plastic pot plant, a picture, a window, a lamp, a settee and a bottle.  This was a good way of filling in two pages.  Also I don't have to write anything clever or personal about it.  It's just a collection of things spread over two pages.

25rd - 26th

So a wedding would symbolize an attempt a permanence?  Of settling down and being a real justified human being ready to fulfil her or his biological imperative.  Does this mean that I should get married?  Would I really want all that attention?  Does anyone want that sort of attention?

I went to a wedding this weekend in Buxton, it lasted 3 days so from Friday to Sunday.  It was interesting to watch this act of attempting a form of permanence.  Also that a wedding could last 3 days.   

It made me wonder again about permanence, or the attempt to settle.  Perhaps I am possibly meant to be alone.  I spend many of my days and evenings alone.  Either doing data entry in the day or design work at night.  I am sociable at weekends.  This makes people mistake me for being sociable.  Perhaps the idea of relationships for me are an alien concept.  At least not a relationship that is sustainable.  Is it ethical for me to even be in a relationship?

I've just realized that these questions are not so well timed.  I am writing from the perspective of the day I am posting this rather than the dates I am referring too in which the wedding took place.  At this point there was still hope.

Question:  Where is hope?  

Answer:  I'll show you next time.