30 - 31st March
This is my best friend at Siemens. We have lunch together every day.
It isn't a nice friend. Today It told me that all my day to day actions are vindictive acts of passive aggression. It also added that this is symptomatic of my struggles with a vain narcissism mixed with an idealism which is shattered to the point that it has become a dual identity... this cracked reflection makes me unsure which ideals are mine and which belong to the other me... and vice versa.
I try to disagree.. but then It asks me why I am sharing this experience on social media? Then I realize that this status update is a vindictive act of passive aggression.... and now that I am typing it I am pathologically unable to stop.
It asks me to what or whom am I being passive aggressive against?
It laughs when i don't immediately answer. Finding it funny that after 33 years I still don't have any idea whom or what my enemy is. Then it tells me that my entire life has been futile.
I tell It that what I want is freedom and complete autonomy over my existence and that I am unhappy with The Way Things Are.
It then compares all my actions to that of an 8 year old kicking a piece of rubbish down the street... and shows me a future in which I am an 88 year old kicking the same can down the street... and reminds me that with every moment my time is being wasted and that this future is inevitable. It also adds that as I kick the can down the street I turn towards every reflected surface I pass to check how my hair looks. It then describes me as vile, disturbing and distorted... and tells me that nothing human should be anywhere near me.
I hope my best friend doesn't follow me home again. I don't like how It sits on the ceiling or the way It points and laughs at me.
*********************************************************************************
1st - 2nd April
According to the gas and electric people I barely even exist.... I'm like a microscopic anti-integer - I have a non radix - baseless - a fraction of a molecule.... it probably costs them more money to bill me than it does to actually provide me with gas and electricity. I am like a dark matter compound in their financial universe... when I get a call from a sales company trying to get me to change suppliers I'm always happy to talk to them... always happy to tell them how much I am paying at the moment and see if they can better it... because they can't... and I can feel their voice sinking as they realize that they are speaking to something that isn't even a person anymore. A creature with no warmth or spark that is constructed from rotting but naturally refrigerated meat.... meat wrapped in moth eaten jumpers and blazers. Death comes to Chorlton. You see me in the street and some of you invite me into your homes, but there is no joy in me, and you find it perturbing how I stand in your kitchen and stare at the pilot light on your boiler....
*********************************************************************************
Bank Holiday weekend. Lots of going out and partying and catching up with friends on the Friday. On the Saturday I went out clubbing. Here are two Facebook posts that sum up my feelings on that:
"People who go clubbing every weekend are like people who keep going on holiday to the same place. The similarity is even more profound if you compare it to someone who keeps going on holiday in a featureless, boring, dark box which is cramped full of sweaty, boring, featureless people..... a box that is buried underground, or better still, under the sea."
"There is a key difference between voices in your head and people in your mind. Voices will take on a physicality and seem to exist on an auditory level (I think) whilst the people form a democracy of varying personalities which separate themselves into separate viewpoints... becoming more and more numerous depending on the complexity of the situation.... once they are seperated they argue and the painful process is not just the argument but deciding which person in my mind is most representative of myself... as I usually agree with all of them to some extent.
It's quite strange that at age 33 I have still not worked out which me is me and if anything it has actually become more complicated. Instead of acting on impulse and following the decision of the loudest division of myself I feel the need to fully understand the impact of words on my environment. This is why development of a code of ethics is important. Like all governments the mind needs restrictions in what it is allowed to do... part of my mind has been constructing nuclear bombs whilst another part has been writing a list of terms and conditions. Do I launch bombs or create terms? Which one is me and which one is some Other?
What the most insulting aspect of this is that it means that the me that is writing this is really just a flesh puppet controlled by a large democratic parliament that exists inside the electricity charged broccoli inside my misshapen skull."
*********************************************************************************
6th - 7th April
Not so much stepping out of my uncertainty and the fact I have no idea what is going to happen in the future but at least feeling that the world has some colour again. Highlighter yellow/green is my favourite colour. When I see it I feel like I'm so lucky to have the use of my eyes. I even enjoyed looking at the Siemens canteen on Tuesday... if you sit at a particular angle it looks pretty amazing:
This looks much better than most night clubs.
*********************************************************************************
8th - 9th April
I've reached a point in which I've had enough of certain and things and situations and people. So a little bit of "time out" is required. So my going to Doncaster on Friday is an essential. A weekend away to sort out my fractured into factions brain and bring it all back together into one unified force. The above image shows the effects of my internal democracy... that all these different aspects of me demanding different things are getting to be annoying. If you are split into several different people all with different needs and different obligations how do you tell which one is you? Time to regroup my consciousness.
I hate the word consciousness... it has very stereotypical hippy connotations to it. Like the word Psychedelic.
*********************************************************************************
10th - 12th April
Very pleased with this photograph:
The effect is achieved by taking a photograph of a window and capturing a good reflection as well as the contents of the room behind the window.
Also like this photograph I took on my way to visit my mum and brother in Doncaster...
it's very looming and captures something of the essence of Doncaster as a place. When I was young I remember it being lots of dessicated wastelands and brick buildings that no longer serve a purpose. Now it is slightly regenerated and with glass buildings that are yet to serve a purpose.
*********************************************************************************
13th - 14th April
I can't remember anything that happened on either of these days.... and as of writing this the 14th April was only 3 days ago. There was simply nothing. Emptiness. I've tried to do some drawings that symbolise something but they don't. They are just bland generic abstract drawings. Nothing to show off about, the sort of images that I can do in my sleep. They have no value. Neither does anything that I am writing now. So what I'm going to do is invert this particular entry and duplicate it below. Not for any reason at all just so these two days of my life have some significance. It might even make it look better...
13th - 14th April
I can't remember anything that happened on either of these days.... and as of writing this the 14th April was only 3 days ago. There was simply nothing. Emptiness. I've tried to do some drawings that symbolise something but they don't. They are just bland generic abstract drawings. Nothing to show off about, the sort of images that I can do in my sleep. They have no value. Neither does anything that I am writing now. So what I'm going to do is invert this particular entry and duplicate it below. Not for any reason at all just so these two days of my life have some significance. It might even make it look better...
No comments:
Post a Comment