22-24
I went to an Austerity protest. I am quite left winged in my politics, however, I do not understand why there has to be such a dichotomy between left and right and why there can't just be a humanist and constructive way forward. I think the less I talk about politics the better... most of my political insights are at best gleaned from friends and at worst gleaned from science fiction.... or perhaps at worst they are gleaned from friends and at best gleaned from science fiction. I will leave that to the person who is not (and never will be) reading this to decide.
This weekend was a culmination of sorts of a listlessness. Despite the fact I like to make lists I still feel listless. No matter how many lists you write there is still nowhere to keep them. Something else occupies the space where the lists belong. So the lists become command programming. I become a busy organic component to my wife and best friend: "the organizational planner".
I didn't sleep much on Friday and woke up in a strange mode of sleep paralysis in which I was in a tunnel of perspex caskets all in the shape of human beings. In each casket was a person encased in this perspex, they stretched on forever. Perhaps this is a vision of The Future Plastic. Wherein we are contained like mobile phone circuits in a nice smooth casing. Our ability to move taken away. I would make reference to The Matrix but that would just be embarrassing and adolescent. Also we have real life issues to worry about now. I can be reactionary towards real life issues rather than science fictional issues.
25-26
Sometimes I become tired of myself. So I am unsure how other people could possibly be expected to deal with it. They live with me in small doses whereas I live with me all the time. The best friends are the people who you can develop a link with. A mirror like connection with which you can make a transaction of both giving and receiving. The reasons why friendships can go wrong is because the reflection you are expecting to see is suddenly different.
So imagine how difficult it is to have an actual relationship.
You probably don't need to imagine.
No I don't.
Everyone you meet is a potential way of understanding yourself. It is a shame that they must always be so disappointing. Just like me.
27-28
I saw this Tarot card and it looked a bit like me.
I like to think about things like divination, the paranormal, different slices of reality, aliens, tarot cards, God, theology etc. Not because I believe in any of them but because I am Anti-Rationalist. Also I think it could be due to being obsessed with control and power and self fulfillment. In order to construct a reality or sense of reality around me that I can control I need to rely on the intangible. But becasue I am aware that it probably isn't real then perhaps that means I am using these things as inspiration in a very utilitarian way.
One event (of three) that has shaken me from the weekend was when I was at the protest there was a moment wherein they wanted a group photo of everyone holding their fists up in the air. I had to get away. I couldn't align myself with a group dynamic or belief. I ran off to get a mocha before they took the photo. I question why this is. It's not like it was a response I could even control but some part of my survival instinct.
Perhaps my distrust/fear/hatred of the mob is what made me not want to be a part of it. For a long time I have been seperated. I am perhaps designed to be alone. This is fine. This perhaps makes me more powerful. Great and beautiful and terrible things have been achieved through lonely design.
By this logic then the best thing for me is to be left alone. This is difficult though as I enjoy spending time with people and in a way this is necessary in order for me to exist.
Working two jobs involving LCD screens (my Siemens job in the day time and my creative work in the evening) has required me to go for an eye test. I have been having difficulty looking into the middle distance. At the eye test it turned out that I have just been overstraining myself and my optic nerve is perfect. Which is good as it means I don't have to wear glasses. Even though an element of me would like to.
I decided I wanted to get away (I did not feel free) so went to Doncaster for the weekend to see my family -------- ------ ----- ------- ------- --------- ---------- ------- ------- ------- ---------
When I got back home I ------ ----- ----- ----- ------ ------- ------- ----- ----.
M ------- E
Obviously I didn't get much done on either of these days. This is because I suddenly have so much to do and not entirely down to social concerns. Having a lot to do and being busy is likely good in the long run but hard work.
I feel that I am still in development. That I have not become the product that I will eventually be. At some stage I will emerge fully formed onto the factory floor... all made out of hydraulic pistons and billowing steam and a new exciting haircut taken beyond all previous gravitational restraints.
In order to complete my next project successfully I must transalte myself from this:
Through this:
And into this:
05-07
Have been moderately successful in my floral pattern designs. It's interesting that I've worked out ways of avoiding symmetry and obvious repetition in order to attempt to create more organic and fluid designs. Transgressing the mirror effect (with any luck). Here are a few examples:
08-09
It's interesting to do floral work but what's strange about it is that it is so distorted away from my concept of self that I actually feel as if I have broken some form of self imposed aesthetic boundary. Flowers are just not my thing. I am more about the terror of the organic's disposition that the colour and beauty of it.
New phases occur without invitation. My sense of self false. Perhaps nothing about me is real after all and I really am just in development. I feel closer to the Final Me than I did 2 years ago. 2 years ago the Final Me was visualized as simply a Dead Me.
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