28.2.12 - 23.2.12

28.2.12 - In all the years of doing my artwork outside of education (about 9 years I think) I've often entered into phases that I call "Admin Phases" where I try to spend as much time as possible perfecting CVs and sending off proposals to galleries until someone gives me an improbable deadline.  It seems to be getting easier now and these Admin phases last a few days rather than a few weeks...
There is a quite debilitating reality that's forever dawning and never going away... the reality that art doesn't seem to make me any money and that it's all a big waste of time.... I reassure myself constantly that this is not the case by realising that I am still within a development stage attempting to hone my work into something more and more unique and inimitable.  Illusions and self delusions?

27.2.12 - Finally had my self portrait picture framed and it looks very lovely - though it's also very big.  Was going to submit it to the National Portrait Galleries Portrait Contest but then looked at the terms and conditions - those snoots are only interested in painted portraits.

26.2.12 - Sadly the case is that so called ghost hunters do not have the best interests of the dead in mind - they are simply attempting to exploit them and gather ghostly pictures that they can put on the internet... they are after evidence and Nobel prizes... they use dodgy equipment like cheap handheld radio transmitters and then rename them in pseudo scientific terms.
We were stood in the early hours midnight in the old ruins out the back of the Hostel and there were the occasional sounds (which could have been badgers) and the occasional strange glows.... but these didn't last long and even if they were the real thing if I were dead and asked to appear in "light form" I would likely disappear in complete and total non-form and leave - especially if I was having cameras flashing in my eyes every time the wind blew some leaves around a bit.
The first picture above is a sketch of a really good photo taken by Rachel Jarvis which had what looked like a ghost running away from the scene before anyone else took a picture.

(original photo)

The Ghost Hunting evening/morning was actually very good fun - and I did get a good look at a spooky ruin and try out a massive oujia board so I'm not really complaining and think the Ghost Hunters are well entitled to have their fun.  Though I personally would like to talk to the ghosts, get to know their names, hang out with them a bit and then perhaps find a way to send them off to the next life... if that's what they wanted.
Although I'm not sure I believe in ghosts.
The second picture is a sketch of our walking of a dog in the morning on the beach.  Sadly there wasn't a lack of people on the beach.  Or a lack of dogs.  But it was beautifully picturesque all the same.

25.2.12 - Visited Portmerion (£1 in the winter) for the 2nd time and enjoyed it much more due to the lack of people - I love a good lack of people.  It was almost as if the whole place was mine.  Having viewed the entire series of The Prisoner I find it jarring that the insides of the buildings have none of the cerebral effectiveness of the tv show's set design - the cafe is like school dinners in a muckier and smaller room.
Took a walk up to the Dog Graveyard and read all the inscriptions and then headed back to the hostel to take part in a no charge (for me at least) evening of ghost hunting.... where we spoke of the dead but didn't unfortunately speak to the dead... I thought the evening was going to involve some form of fake seance where a woman with a secret foot peddle raises the dead in the form of a rubber skeleton.

24.2.12 - Had a little journey to Wales to stay for the weekend at Cwm Pennant Hostel.   Was a very exciting journey where we stopped off at our favourite American Diner and went to a Butterfly Garden and learnt that butterflies have taste buds in their feet.  Then went for a paid for meal with the potential "in laws" and stayed up watching people play Singstar and giving it a go and realising I don't have the vocal reflexes. 

23.2.12 - You may have noticed by now that my diary is presented on this blog backwards with the earliest date in the diary at the bottom of the blog entry moving upwards to the top where you will find yourself at the latest diary entry.  This is to stay consistent with the blogging format which orders the most recent blog entry first followed by all the previous blog entries... to view every diary entry all at once then click here and start with the oldest entry and move your way upwards rather than downwards. This is both a logical, visual and aesthetic decision, at least I assume it is though think it helpful at this juncture to explain it - if it wasn't obvious in the first place that is.

22.2.12 - 13.2.12

22.2.12 Attempting to create events through concentrating willpower - in the office it's possibly the most you can do to change your life... today I began to believe I might actually win.

21.2.12 - More work and more evenings of everyday tasks ahead - laziness in repetition.  Got new cards delivered by the bank and also ordered some new shoes.

20.2.12 - Back into the ordinary.  Assailed by the constancy of spheres.

19.2.12 - Return from London - minus several useful possessions.  Made up for by lots of lovely new Valentines gifts.

18.2.12 -  My wallet I had since I was 16 was stolen by some very strange middle aged man... due to it containing so many receipts and tram tickets it probably looked like it was packed with money.  Admired the thief's dexterity but also like to imagine his face dropping at his mistake when finding he has gone to a lot of effort for nothing.  Does cause me some minor inconvenience in that I have to order new cards.

17.2.12 - Retrieved my artwork from Four Communications - went to Whitechapel to solve the Ripper murders but turned out I was far too late.  Saw a great exhibition at the Whitechapel Gallery and also at a gallery on Brick Lane called Conte De Fees.  Then I somehow confused Hammersmith with Shepherds Bush but managed to sort the situation out with my rather excellent tube skills.  Also found these wonderful enigmatic stickers 2 = 199.95KR

16.2.12 - caught a coach to London - listened to music and stared out of windows and read my book for hours and hours.... Coach journeys have grown on me.  Like fungus.

15.2.12 What I thought would be a very distressing and painful dentists appointment (the painful part being a scrape and polish) was actually very good due to lots of local anaesthetic which made me realise that without feeling the sensitivity the sounds of dental instruments are like little squeaky robots.

14.2.12 - day off work due to being ill - made a lot of effort for Valentines Day under the circumstances... My brain caught between physical despair and near emotional contentment.  

13.2.12 - Am I making slow and steady steps towards making one massive big change or making a slow scurry into retreat - has the world beaten me or am I in the progress of winning?

Swallow dead ends until reaching the centre

Some new artwork derived from a previous picture.

 

You'll be able to tell by the writing attached to these images that they cover themes that I'm fairly obsessed with due to me talking about them in many previous blog entries... This one is about the scared faces of incomprehension and the fact that they seem to be everywhere - all of these faces follow their own modes of self definition and fulfillment in the hope that this will lead to some kind of perfection, release or other form of contentment.  But that in this maze of ideas you have to keep starting again before following the same routes over and over.  Leading to complete self defeat. (I'm not saying I'm any better by the way - anything I write here is my own neurosis projected onto others... which is always good for a laugh)

This is about building up your own self reassurance in order to attempt to hold onto something that feels worthwhile and real - and ignoring your own doubts so you can have a nice time and not worry about some out of proportion part of your body or mind... making a "stain(ed) glass idealisation of yourself" and bordering your life with what you choose to pay attention too.  The imagery - like the one before and all of the following - is full of the chaos and fractures that oppose us in attempting to do this.

This one is about communication and empathy and that of when I have moments of connection with other human beings which make me momentarily forget my visceral revulsion of the whole of living matter and see people for who they are - when two people occupy a shared head or shared personality and become almost like one person - if only momentarily... it's an intense focus but at the time takes no effort.

This one continues the communication theme and shows the negative side in that we become needy of that communication to the point where it becomes essential - and that we can accidentally make other people into "stain(ed) glass idealisations".  Meaning that they can only disappoint.

And finally we get to the measures many take to attain a connection often at complete loss of themselves and therefore end up in a routine of trying to attain love and acceptance by improbable means...Bit biased - and I know I'm tarring everyone with the same brush - but my preferred example of this is going out at the weekend and trying to meet someone... it's my preferred example because I don't do it anymore and dislike going out in boring clubs and pubs on a Friday or Saturday so by using it as an example I can turn my little box room into a grand and ornate ivory tower where I can look down on everyone else and boast.

Anyway - I think working over the top of copies of previous work is an interesting root as it takes advantage of already existing movements and ideas makes them develop into something much different whilst still retaining something of the original... for me personally this is a constant becoming with no natural end - and that if this process is repeated constantly and if the images I am producing are eventually amalgamated into each other ceaselessly it will develop something that is new and different whilst adapting itself to my current psychological requirements... so therefore no single piece of art is treated as "finished" but merely as a stepping stone towards something else.  When I cook proper food I tend to make stews because I like the blending together of a load of different tastes and textures into one fine gloopy mush- so it's probably the same with art in that I'm not trying to express one particular thing but with any luck eventually working towards a potential culmination where everything mirrors and returns into itself - like a hyperbola but less mathematical.

What is to be achieved by doing this I'm probably not the best to ask - as I'm only really good at throwing things at one another and hoping they gel together in a complimentary way.  Also I'm good at pretending I know what I'm talking about when I don't - and very good at admitting the truth too.  I'm bad at a lot of other things - too many to bother listing... I hope to get better at a few of them.  The most important would be to get better at self control and stop doing silly things like smoke or eat chicken burgers.

12.2.12 - 9.2.12

12.2.12 - Fortune cookie advice... crossed out the bits I didn't like, genius is a bit of a pompous term and no really knows what it means anyway... also don't like the idea of mastery of anything because it indicates that you can't really get any better at what you've chosen to try to give a go at... I do feel that most people are slightly afraid all the time - at least when they are concentrating on what's actually happening - I think our outer expressions and personalities are just shields to deter any suspicion that we are all scared inside....  for instance I like to project my own sense of uncertainty and displacement onto other people - that way I feel like I actually have something in common with the horrible staring eyes and bitter faces I see in the  public places.  This is perhaps why I shouldn't get out more.  Freaky faces freaked out by my freaky face.

11.2.12 - A phone call from my art dealer today detailing how one of her clients may actually want to buy some of my work and that I may make one of my occasional bits of money out of all this... somehow I am starting to treat money like some sort of statistic.... so life is just an exercise in self control and trying to get what I deserve by not doing myself any disservices.  So if I stay dependent on several measurable factors I can actually achieve everything I want but it does mean that I do have to persevere in writing lists and crossing out all the tasks - this is not a new realization though.

10.2.12 - Some sort of profile forming out of the denseness... I try to be nice to everyone even though I'm actually incredible hateful of a lot of people... I find that being nice to everyone is very therapeutic and that simple pleasantries make one come across well and also feel much better about each and every awkward social moment and that if I'm very lucky I can keep my terrible temper in check and hide behind a wonderful facade of quite dopey looking joy. 

9.2.12 - Everything said or written here could change - it's not set in concrete as something that I always think.  Everyday I have a different interpretation of why I do things and why I am me so the truth of the matter is very much intangible - I'm just a shifting shade trying to make sense of it's own shape in the light... which means I'm making it all up as I go along... half the time I'm just annoyed that I'm making it up so slowly and quite often getting everything just ever so slightly wrong - which is an indication that by the time I answer a question the question has already become another question which turned away from me in a counterclockwise direction to be answered again when my cogs reach the next conjunction... and at that point I might be looking at a whole new subset of nothing in a different direction or watching my way through another slightly dated science fiction series.

8.2.12 - 1.2.12

8.1.12 - You'll perhaps see some familiarity in some of the cuttings displayed.  Last months imagery spliced together into new compositions....

7.2.12 - .....which is typical of me - always regurgitating the same process over and over becoming slightly more complex...

6.2.12 - ....a sign I need to get out more - not due to inactivity but due to the same activities....

5.2.12 - ....though whichever angle I decide to observe my patterns of behavior and steps outside of the mechanism the circle stays in the same place on the same face....

4.2.12 - .... though little thoughts spring into collapsible ideas and little structures form inside of the outside....

3.1.12 - .... and like daydreams on the nightmare public transport they become useless and feel an instant hit of entropy - my brain seems to be less and less able to maintain it's void....

2.2.12 - .... and I feel the building blocks of acceptance crushing me into a submission of future fact....

1.2.12 - ....but I also suspect that my mind is so used to the way it is that I'm able to accumulate and store all my images and ideas into some vast all knowing subconscious... which operates like an external hard drive that I can access at any given point by a rather neat wireless connection.

31.1.12 - 28.1.12

31.1.12 Does interspersing a random work into my artwork convey some idea of my work being more meaningful than it is?  The author of Sideways started following me on Twitter - but the word Sideways isn't here for that reason as I've never read that particular book or seen the film it's based on... like all times when interlocking words into imagery its a question of whether or not they blend together all together well - sideways diagonal could mean moving along to nowhere in a direction that is either up or down dependent on your perspective or perhaps lack of perspective... this image gives no notion of diagonal travel so perhaps diagonal movement is an illusion and there is no up and down - just a constant opening of infinite doors.

30.1.12 - BRICKS - I like bricks and all other construction materials.  If it weren't for construction materials I would not be able to hide behind my stone walls and wooden doors and keep you all away from me whenever I want to.  First day working in my new office at Number One First Street... It's like Gattaca but more artificial.

29.1.12 - I would love to escape to an alien world where everything is coloured in a lot better.

31.1.12 - "Mould parasite decay rot away cliche."  I wrote this through association - not that impressed with my effort to be honest.