12.2.12 - 9.2.12

12.2.12 - Fortune cookie advice... crossed out the bits I didn't like, genius is a bit of a pompous term and no really knows what it means anyway... also don't like the idea of mastery of anything because it indicates that you can't really get any better at what you've chosen to try to give a go at... I do feel that most people are slightly afraid all the time - at least when they are concentrating on what's actually happening - I think our outer expressions and personalities are just shields to deter any suspicion that we are all scared inside....  for instance I like to project my own sense of uncertainty and displacement onto other people - that way I feel like I actually have something in common with the horrible staring eyes and bitter faces I see in the  public places.  This is perhaps why I shouldn't get out more.  Freaky faces freaked out by my freaky face.

11.2.12 - A phone call from my art dealer today detailing how one of her clients may actually want to buy some of my work and that I may make one of my occasional bits of money out of all this... somehow I am starting to treat money like some sort of statistic.... so life is just an exercise in self control and trying to get what I deserve by not doing myself any disservices.  So if I stay dependent on several measurable factors I can actually achieve everything I want but it does mean that I do have to persevere in writing lists and crossing out all the tasks - this is not a new realization though.

10.2.12 - Some sort of profile forming out of the denseness... I try to be nice to everyone even though I'm actually incredible hateful of a lot of people... I find that being nice to everyone is very therapeutic and that simple pleasantries make one come across well and also feel much better about each and every awkward social moment and that if I'm very lucky I can keep my terrible temper in check and hide behind a wonderful facade of quite dopey looking joy. 

9.2.12 - Everything said or written here could change - it's not set in concrete as something that I always think.  Everyday I have a different interpretation of why I do things and why I am me so the truth of the matter is very much intangible - I'm just a shifting shade trying to make sense of it's own shape in the light... which means I'm making it all up as I go along... half the time I'm just annoyed that I'm making it up so slowly and quite often getting everything just ever so slightly wrong - which is an indication that by the time I answer a question the question has already become another question which turned away from me in a counterclockwise direction to be answered again when my cogs reach the next conjunction... and at that point I might be looking at a whole new subset of nothing in a different direction or watching my way through another slightly dated science fiction series.