21st January - 25th January

21-22nd January

Reoccurence is a haunting spinning that bores away at the edges of all my platforms.  This will not be the state of things forever.  At some point every thing will end and we will all be gone and I all the wonderful people I know will be no more.  What if I refuse to reoccur?   Then perhaps nothing will ever reoccur again.  The gnawing on my platforms will finally stop and we can descend and ascend completely of our own free will.  What if reincarnation is real?  We meet the same people in different lifetimes, does that mean that over every lifetime all we will do is hurt each other over and over and over again.  If so then what set these things in motion?  Could and should it be stopped?  Perhaps it is worth it for the friendship of the people that actually stay in your life.  Also i would eventually end up in a century that has space travel.  

Sometimes my overactive imagination gets the better of me.  Sometimes it is of benefit to me.  The problem with my overactive imagination is that I have an over active mouth.  So I can end up saying exactly what it is that I'm imagining really well.  Sometimes I can use this to come to very quick and intuitive conclusions, a lot of which I'm not sure where they've come from, which is quite scary that I've worked something out long after I've actually said it (or imagined it).  My mouth moves faster than my actual brain.  Socially I am like an awful force of nature.  On my own my thoughts can become so internalized that I'm just stuck in a hall of cracked mirrors.  The thing is I've only just realized that this predicament is moderately unique to me.  I've no idea what other people do inside their heads.  For a long time I've been assuming that we are all the same.

23RD))))))) ----- 24TH))))))) ------- 25TH)))))))(((((((AS you can tell from the quality of the image above my fancy mobile phone broke this weekend and I have had to put my SIM card into my old phone which doesn't have as good a quality camera.)

(when my phone broke - ____ I didn't actually care
It was interesting to see what it would become.  It had a room inside it that flashed with an odd pulsing light. It could only be seen for a half a second on each occurence and the occurences became progressively less and less.  These days it is difficult to see or experience anything that will never ever exist again.  Everything can be photographed.  Life can be rendered into 2 dimensionals planes of light,... [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]

If my had broken 6 months ago.  I would have cared.
My progress and self esteem were at a very high at the point when my phone broke.  And all problems i have in my life at the moment far outweigh damaged technology.   [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]

[If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]

*******

*******

********

*******

******

On a weekend of plans and non achievements what really does exist.  My pattern filter falls down and is cracked across the screen.  The real world emerges in all it's murder, sadness, shadow and decay. All the people I have ever cared for or loved are dying.  We will all eventually disappear.  This seems to motivate me to enjoy every moment I can but sometimes the pressure of this expectation is overwhelming.  Especially because the world is so sad.  Edges traced along my pulse which if you held onto would move you slowly persistently.  If you were contained in my moment then you would understand.  It is strange to be  on the outside looking in.  Interactions are cold and fractured.  Each fragment containing more potential but lost in a mosaic.  A deformed ballet dance in my deformed brain performed by social dynamics.

All things considered, I am doing very well for myself.  The above is all just secondary concerns. Unfortunately I am sensitive to secondary concerns.  But why stifle sensitivity.  I do what I do because of who I am.  To be steadfast to these principles is what precepts change.  I believe in my developing moral code and perhaps one day other people will.

I am pretentious..... 

.......but how could I not be?  Wouldn't you be as well?

19th - 20th January

CHAPTER 1.19 - 1.20

In which our hero becomes enmeshed in the political struggles of 1047 million digital super powers... all the while still having to deal with the unanswerable conundrum of his heart.... Meanwhile the sharp organic shards gather, they  are finally consoled of their pain and ready to subvert the world anew.  A new dawn awakens but why is it wearing lime and beige military boots?  They are stomping but why does the impact of their feet on the floor sound like rats chewing on cables?

19th - 20th January:           #######                      0291

Garth places his keycard against the outer console.  The smooth, featureless, metal door whirs open. Garth steps into the elevator and stands next to another man Garth has never seen before, who must work in one of the many other departments of InterCore.  The man is wearing a blue shirt with the top button undone and a pair of black trousers.  Garth as usual feels badly dressed for his role at InterCore... wearing a much too loose houndstooth coat reminiscent of a destitute Sherlock Holmes and a pair of red jeans and a geometrically patterned shirt and clashing jacket, all of which is somehow dominated by a pair of black and white two tone brogues (which give the false  impression that Garth likes jazz and is good at dancing)... Garth feels scrutinized once again for his choice of clothing.
Garth knew it was too late to pretend.  The impact of Garth's personality and clothing choices had already been inflicted onto the consciousnesses of his entire department.  To suddenly strip back would be a sign of weakness, and Deputy Controller ENN1276 hated weakness in the organic components of It's mainframe.

*****

Deep inside the mainframe, Deputy Controller ENN1276 detected a moment of flailing self importance in one of It's components....

Deputy Controller ENN1276 emmited a data pulse to Central command:

"COMPONENT: G SIMMONS is showing signs of self importance.... detecting possibility of minor rebellion. Has already subverted the dress code of InterCore to the limits of acceptable disobedience. Please advise."

Deputy Controller ENN1276 received an instant reply to Its Inbox:

"Central Command is currently out of office and will be back on 30th January 2015, thank you for your patience.  If your enquiry is important please contact Pseudo Events Coordinator ALF4215"

Deputy Controller ENN1276 clenched Its digital fists.... It hated ALF4215 so much.  No way was It going to ask the Pseudo Events Coordinator for help.

*****

Garth hangs up his coat and sits down.  Allowing the InterCore server on his PC to scan his retina so Garth could access the Data Field.  The light flashed in Garth's eyes and Garth thought about the film he watched last night called I, Origins.  Which was about the idea of eye patterns reoccurring and the possibility of this proving reincarnation.  Garth wondered if perhaps the familiarity he had with the people he met had anything to do with past lives.  Garth certainly felt no familiarity with the machines of InterCore.

"WELCOME BACK TO INTERCORE:  G SIMMONS."  read the screen after confirming Garth's identity.

Garth plugged the USB cable into the port on his neck and prepared to load up the interface... also he opened up small window in the corner of the Data Field in which he could cheekily distract himself with social media.

*****

Garth opened his front door, not exhausted from a day working at InterCore.  InterCore was a very easy job and within walking distance of the dilapedated building where Garth lived with his pet SnaffleHush: Klaudius, Klaud for short.  Garth stepped into the confines of his living space.  The antique hinged door closing behind him.  Garth made sure it was secure all the whilst Klaud slithered against Garth's ankles... leaving a trail of his phosphorescent fur on Garth's trouser leg.
Garth picked up Klaud and rubbed Klaud's slimey body all over his face.
"I have missed you today Klaud Klaud." says Garth affectionately.  Klaud attempts to struggle free, flailing tentacles slapping against the wall.
Garth sets him on the floor and fills his bowl with dried whippersnatches.  Klaud unfurls his proboscis and starts to suck the musky dust from the insides of the whippersnatches corpses. Garth pets Klaud on the head as he eats and looks around his flat.  
Some serious pattern making had to be done tonight.  Garth had a contract to secure with the Print and Fashion Houses of the Tri-Planet Consortium and it was already the year 2040 in that quadrant... Garth would have to follow trend reports from 2020.  Trend reports tend to repeat themselves approximately every 20 years.  
Garth sat down on his laptop, plugging the USB plug into his neck.  He was ready to enter his Pattern Sphere.  Ready for the big time.  One day he wouldn't need InterCorp.  
Garth entered his Pattern Sphere and opened today's file of memory images and associated imaginations conjured in the Subconscious Processor.   

There were definitely other things to do.  Other concerns.  Others.  Though these things were not quantifiable.  Not part of the bigger plan.  Garth set to work... but before he did that he opened up a small window in the corner of the pattern sphere in which he could cheekily distract himself with social media.  He might get some nice messages.

12th - 18th January

HERE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT AND WITH GRAMMATICAL ERRORS GALORE I PRESENT THE LATEST PAGES OF MY DIARY: 

//////////////////12th - 13th January/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////   

Feeling very very at home within my day job at Siemens though also knowledgeable that I am a complete fraud... I have no real interest in Siemens or in what they do but I manage to maintain an interest.  I convince myself I love filing and organizing and entering the data on the system.  This is actually true.  I'm not in the habit of lying to myself.  (contradictions in this paragraph?  Don't worry I've noticed too.)  In all honesty I'm not entirely sure what it is I'm doing, though at the same time I am pretty sure... I'm fairly certain I understand what I'm doing better than other people do.  So in the workplace I might have the appearance of a slack slightly dopey but well dressed weirdo who has completely lost at life... this isn't their fault it's simply that work is a place wherein I relax.  It could even be likened to sleep or meditation.  An 7-8 hour trance state in which all things are processed good and bad and then the logical conclusion of those things are turned into more concrete things. Boxes made out of felt tip full of tasks and duties and organizations of the things that will make me achieve.

This isn't difficult to do at the weekends where i don't have the benefit of an 8 hour trance state but the quiet time is certainly beneficial.  Perhaps with more dedication to my position here I would likely not find it quite so relaxing.  In contrast my personal and creative life is energizing and emotional to the point wherein I have no idea what I'd doing.  Going to the office is like stretching an elastic band backwards and then in the evenings letting it snap against all my various activities and friends.  Though this means that although things can get done very quickly as a consequence if I see anyone then I will end up talking too much... or in some form or another I am me too much.  This is both a weapon and a point of entry, but if you enter what you'll find is a room covered wall to wall with sharp objects ready to hurt.  Those sharp objects are double edged so they hurt either way they are pushed.  A lot of people are wearing gauntlets so they don't get hurt and I am essentially a sharp but touchable object.  As for me, I get stronger through suffering.  The sharp object room is both good and bad... and it definitely looks cool.  And it is honest, virtuous and definite and infinite.

(everything I say about myself here is insubstantial and subject to vast shifts on a minute by minute basis - therefore it is unreliable.  Always.  Apart from when it is reliable.   I must remember that the only person who would think it worth 2nd guessing me is myself.  Please do not take me seriously.  Every day is a real hoot.)

==={{{===[]===][][]===FOURTEENTH AND FIFTEENTH JANUARY 2015 =====+++++[[]]+++++}}}]]}}]   

Instead of thinking about my interior spaces I take some responsibility.  Decisions that are unselfish and completely mine but which affect others.  These are the choices that are made everyday I suppose.  Guilt over such choices cannot be avoided.  Regret over what has been changed or what potential has been lost also cannot be avoided.  What can be avoided?  Each action another has made within my life has caused consequences and shifts.  I just don't feel right being able to have this much impact on other people.  For years I have underestimated myself and my capability to cause damage which is worrying because I've no idea how to work how much damage has been caused.  Now perhaps I am overestimating myself.  So I might be getting to a point where I don't want to touch the world and people around me in fear of breaking it and them.  Perhaps what I need to realize is that other people are much more grown up than me.

(Social event:   Drawing club at the Sandbar on Wednesday, a lot of the people their were very illustrative and precise whilst our end of the table was much more disorganized.  In retrospect though, I think our bit was better)

16th ---------------------------------- 18th

16th ---------------------------------- 18th

After a week of soul searching and making difficult choices it is nice to actually have a victory.  Perhaps a small or large victory, it is too soon to say so far.  Basically the sensation of being a pin ball hitting the 1000 point buffer over and over again in quick succession.  WINNING WINNING WINNING WINNING WINNING and then..... whoops.  The pin ball has just dropped back down and you have to hit it again.  Hit the pin ball with the flappers of life.  Only time will tell if I can keep hitting the 1000 point buffer but with any luck it is possible.  

Sometimes my life is very filmic.  This time last year I was working for the Manchester City Council call centre which I hated.  I was waiting for my voluntary redundancy.  My desk was surrounded by hundreds of crazed biro scribble doodles all of my interior landscapes... which I think at the time were very scary.  Also because you are sat at a desk for 8 hours you have a chance to get into some really obsessive detail.  Anyway I remember that this time last year my manager was at my desk picking up one particular image I'd drawn and laughing with the other managers "Artistic or perhaps autistic" and them all having a good chuckle.  The laugh is now on them.  A year later this doodle is being worn at the Golden Globe Awards by some actress called Malin Akerman and also was Fashion Times top 3 thing to buy this xmas (just under some gold watch and a pair of torn up jeans)... I would provide a link for where it can be bought but they have appeared to have sold out for the moment.  

You'll see a part of my diary where it says "I must try not to be a super villain".   Perhaps I am a super villain.  I certainly have the right sort of cat for it.  I live in a lair.  I have plans of world domination and stacked up piles of bitterness and resentment going back further than I can even remember.  I have the potential to be a glowering Doctor Claw sat in a perspex chair petting a cat and having a good cackle.  Thankfully this isn't what I am and not what I am ever going to be.  Though you have to admit it does sound pretty cool. 

The reason I would never become a super villian is because I have a wonderful support network of friends who keep me grounded and real.  Things could have easily gone in a different direction but I was lucky to attract wonderful people into my life.  If I hadn't then I doubt I would be very good at what I do.  One thing that must be said for cartoon super villains, is that they never win.  They are shrouded in bitterness, ego and their motives tend to be revenge or an affirmation of their ego.  But they always fail because they are not loved.  Except in the real world... in the real world you can go very far with bitterness, ego and the need to crush... though thankfully I've never wanted to live in the real world that much, or at least not entirely.  

I watched the film Whiplash at the cinema.  Essentially it was Rocky with drums.  But what it lacked that the Rocky sequence doesn't lack is any humanity or love.  Ambition, obsession etc are all well and good but without some form of grounding energy like friends, family and pets then your doomed to a life of misery speckled with small achievements each one trying to be bigger... but each achievement looks like a small sweaty faced man hitting a drum kit for ages.  Some of which are faster than others but all of them are the same size.  Anyway it was an okay film but afterwards it definitely seemed to miss the point of how to be creatively successful.

I use the word successful now but in any moment my pinball could be dropping away from the "DING DING DING WINNING" 1000 point buffer.  

The majority of my weekend was spent indoors exercising and watching television shows.  Also a little bit of organizing of my jpegs and patterns ready for a new production phase coming soon to a lazy bones near you.  The above photo is my wall.  With the saturation and contrast turned up.  And a bit of my hair in the corner.

I also cut my hair a little bit.  I'm not sure if this is a good thing as I've just timed it badly as I've also got a rather large boil appearing on the left side of my nose.  I have two new facial differences to get used to when I look in the mirror.

7th January - 11th January

7th+8th January = 7th8th January

Visit to Hester.  Visit to Post Office.  Visit to Morrisons. Completion and emailing of pattern design to Art on Fashion.  Events either to distract and avoid responsibilities or to connect to the proper routine.  My world can be integrated into common place activities and I tend to find these things help to process the plans into concrete successes.  Too much dedication to a cause can detract from the humanity of my host and lead me to obsessive inward looking repetition.  This would lead to circling the same things over and over and expressing the same null void between emotional nothing and everything.  Writing this 5 days after the day means that things are forgotten and things are elaborated or missed out.  Though through the imagery above there were lots of highlighter pens involved in my activities.

9th - 11th January

Processing very slow data at work gave me the opportunity to listen to a very long 4 part Youtube lecture on Soren Kierkegaard - this was quite inspiring but my quandary of the weekend and perhaps my entire life is not so much developing a personal and spiritual philosophy but how to moralistically fit that into my inter relations with other people.  It's difficult to contain feelings and thoughts that might cause harm. These days I usually don't bother and just say anything I like all the time which is quite liberating and seems to make people appreciate me.  Appreciation is not enough though, what is required is a method to never hurt anyone ever again and perhaps never to be hurt by anyone ever again.  If this requires lies and cover ups then perhaps that's the best way, after all what is wrong with a little lie here and there if the rest of the time you are completely honest?  Or are you completely honest if you let yourself believe the lies that you tell yourself?  How mutable is the truth and how often do we actually tell the truth.  Can words actually be accurate when they are describing intangible feelings?

Can words make the intangible tangible or do they distort it into something that wasn't either there in the first place?  A PROBLEM.  SOLUTION?  In order to stop myself from hurting anyone else I would have to contain my feelings and to contain who I am, to never say anything to anyone,  would that be a moral thing to do?  This is why feelings must be filtered through diplomacy.  That way there is a compromise.

As an introverted extroverted introvert extrovert I require other people's validation in order to survive in my infinite messy singularity.  I get validation but it isn't enough.  Why?  Because of trust.

I didn't manage to get all my tasks this weekend.  A rather late one on Saturday due to a friend's birthday but all together lots of nice events have happened to give me the excuse to not bother.  Also my thoughts are such a tumble of things that I always get something worked out.
There should be no confinement for anything inside myself.  Not if I am going to be free.  How much easier would my life be if I went entirely onto some automatic self trusting autopilot?  How much more entertaining?   Though it seems that through expressing myself in this blog, my day to day thoughts and activities, that there will always be ommissions despite me not editing what I type.  I worry that this diary/blog excercise could become a very tiring and constant project.  Very repetitive to read too.  Also you have to question why I would share all of this?  What is the point?  Does it make me a bad person?  Vain, self indulgent and so on.

Time to stop asking questions.  Though when you do data entry for 7 hours a day then asking questions is the best way to amuse yourself.  Is that a vital aspect of my development?  The fact that I contain so much thought and mental energy over 35 hours of the week?  It is never time to stop asking questions.  My life is so hectic what with this cat to cuddle all the time.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -  I am trying to be FUNNY.

January 1st - 6th 2015

In order to use my blog more often and also to keep the production of art and ideas developing at an observable rate (for myself more than anyone) I am keeping a 2015 diary and posting the pages and developments on here.  I will also be interspersing this with Facebook posts of mine that I feel are developmental and relevant to my conquest over myself, you, others and everything.   This sort of self absorbed project is either an unhealthy or positive activity for a young(ish) but promising egomaniac.  

31st December - 1st January:

A choice of outfit that was unusually subdued but perhaps my hair more than made up for that.  Wore my own pattern so I almost felt that I couldn't go into the usual pattern/colour overload that I normally would. \\\\\\\\\\\\Superficiality?////////////  I was told a long time ago at the lowest peak of my confidence and sense of self worth that the best way to avoid cruel and judgemental people is to frighten them away by looking like an alien.  

I don't meet very many cruel or judgemental people.

A stylish photograph of an insect in a taxi with a snazzy camera filter.  A photo of some form of odd tree in the front garden at a house party.  Assessment of house party:  usually I enjoy staring at people's book shelves but in this place the book shelves were a gulf.  So I had some interesting if confusing social interactions and also enjoyed the spooky quality of this strange tree.  

 

The rest of my New Years Day involved fragmentations, problems, conjoinmentations and plenty of drama some of which I came out of victoriously..... A knowledge of self control and resistance and of being an almost full grown version of myself.   Everything is always so important but I realize that Everything is not the boss of me.  Lucky.  Until I run out of Everything and have to go and buy more of it.  Then it's time to go to bed.

2nd January - 4th January 2015 - Three days which are (pretty much, but not pretty) a process of recovery... a cognitive mess played at the wrong speed.  A diary is made of exagerration and omissions.  Theoretically.  #######( #Please note I am leaving my grammatical errors and spelling mistakes as intact as possible. #)#######  In ommitting and exagerating you are able to convey are more distinct and concise narrative, perhaps even a mythology.  Also you leave out information that may hurt other people.  The truth is a mutable thing and not to be completely trusted {{{{VOICE OF REASON speaks "What makes you think that anyone is going to read this anyway?  Why read this feedback loop of self analytical text?  You're not even writing it properly, you can't even be bothered to go back and check your spelling or grammar or punctuation.  This whole thing is self absorbed, pointless and you're eventually going to find it very time consuming.  This project will be over long before the year is out.  This is just self aggrandisement directed at yourself, something to fuel the delusions of your own self built mythology that only you are paying attention to."}}}}}}}  Shut up VOICE OF REASON you are not the boss of me or anyone.

5th - 6th January:

I am now back at work doing my lovely data entry and filing and all the lovely managing of lovely emotionless unchallenging units.  I wonder if I should approach life from an administrative perspective.  Though I also wonder what would happen to my emotions if I were to limit them into filing cabinets.  Perhaps an administrative approach would stunt all creative efforts and all efforts of interpersonal connection.  Perhaps with an administrative approach I wouldn't have the friends I now have and despite all the bad things I think people say about me usually people only say nice things. ((((((((((((((IDLE UNIMAGINATIVE PONTIFICATING... SOMEONE ELSE MUST HAVE SAID THE ABOVE BETTER THAN YOU)))))))))))))  

I have had it in my diary to drink more water.  4 bottles of water a day.  Oddly I do feel rejuvenated.  My skin seems to have a healthier glow to it.  Also I'm taking lots of zinc.  I love zinc.
((((((((((((YOU DO NOT LOVE ZINC NOR DO YOU HAVE A HEALTHY GLOW)))))))))))))

Had an art evening on Monday with my friend Ana and drank too many cups of tea and ended up being awake in my bed until 2 in the morning.  Whilst I lay awake I had many life defining thoughts

((((((((((((DELUSIONAL)))))))))))))))

Tuesday was a day of action creating more pattern designs for a company called Art on Fashion.  Hopefully this year will be the year that I break into full self employment.

((((((((((((DOUBLE DELUSIONAL)))))))))))))))

My 2015 horoscope sounds very promising and indicates that all my dreams will come true

((((((((((((HOROSCOPES!!!!!! PAH!))))))))))))))

The analytical self critical thoughts in my head are becoming less and less eloquent

(((((((((((WHAT ROT!)))))))))))))

And they even seem a lot quieter

(((((((((NO WE DON'T!!!!!!!)))))))))))))

Perhaps they are drowning in all the water I am drinking

(((((((((((((((YOU'VE NOT HEARD THE LAST OF US GARTH SIMMONS!)))))))))))))))))))))