12th - 18th January

HERE FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT AND WITH GRAMMATICAL ERRORS GALORE I PRESENT THE LATEST PAGES OF MY DIARY: 

//////////////////12th - 13th January/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////   

Feeling very very at home within my day job at Siemens though also knowledgeable that I am a complete fraud... I have no real interest in Siemens or in what they do but I manage to maintain an interest.  I convince myself I love filing and organizing and entering the data on the system.  This is actually true.  I'm not in the habit of lying to myself.  (contradictions in this paragraph?  Don't worry I've noticed too.)  In all honesty I'm not entirely sure what it is I'm doing, though at the same time I am pretty sure... I'm fairly certain I understand what I'm doing better than other people do.  So in the workplace I might have the appearance of a slack slightly dopey but well dressed weirdo who has completely lost at life... this isn't their fault it's simply that work is a place wherein I relax.  It could even be likened to sleep or meditation.  An 7-8 hour trance state in which all things are processed good and bad and then the logical conclusion of those things are turned into more concrete things. Boxes made out of felt tip full of tasks and duties and organizations of the things that will make me achieve.

This isn't difficult to do at the weekends where i don't have the benefit of an 8 hour trance state but the quiet time is certainly beneficial.  Perhaps with more dedication to my position here I would likely not find it quite so relaxing.  In contrast my personal and creative life is energizing and emotional to the point wherein I have no idea what I'd doing.  Going to the office is like stretching an elastic band backwards and then in the evenings letting it snap against all my various activities and friends.  Though this means that although things can get done very quickly as a consequence if I see anyone then I will end up talking too much... or in some form or another I am me too much.  This is both a weapon and a point of entry, but if you enter what you'll find is a room covered wall to wall with sharp objects ready to hurt.  Those sharp objects are double edged so they hurt either way they are pushed.  A lot of people are wearing gauntlets so they don't get hurt and I am essentially a sharp but touchable object.  As for me, I get stronger through suffering.  The sharp object room is both good and bad... and it definitely looks cool.  And it is honest, virtuous and definite and infinite.

(everything I say about myself here is insubstantial and subject to vast shifts on a minute by minute basis - therefore it is unreliable.  Always.  Apart from when it is reliable.   I must remember that the only person who would think it worth 2nd guessing me is myself.  Please do not take me seriously.  Every day is a real hoot.)

==={{{===[]===][][]===FOURTEENTH AND FIFTEENTH JANUARY 2015 =====+++++[[]]+++++}}}]]}}]   

Instead of thinking about my interior spaces I take some responsibility.  Decisions that are unselfish and completely mine but which affect others.  These are the choices that are made everyday I suppose.  Guilt over such choices cannot be avoided.  Regret over what has been changed or what potential has been lost also cannot be avoided.  What can be avoided?  Each action another has made within my life has caused consequences and shifts.  I just don't feel right being able to have this much impact on other people.  For years I have underestimated myself and my capability to cause damage which is worrying because I've no idea how to work how much damage has been caused.  Now perhaps I am overestimating myself.  So I might be getting to a point where I don't want to touch the world and people around me in fear of breaking it and them.  Perhaps what I need to realize is that other people are much more grown up than me.

(Social event:   Drawing club at the Sandbar on Wednesday, a lot of the people their were very illustrative and precise whilst our end of the table was much more disorganized.  In retrospect though, I think our bit was better)

16th ---------------------------------- 18th

16th ---------------------------------- 18th

After a week of soul searching and making difficult choices it is nice to actually have a victory.  Perhaps a small or large victory, it is too soon to say so far.  Basically the sensation of being a pin ball hitting the 1000 point buffer over and over again in quick succession.  WINNING WINNING WINNING WINNING WINNING and then..... whoops.  The pin ball has just dropped back down and you have to hit it again.  Hit the pin ball with the flappers of life.  Only time will tell if I can keep hitting the 1000 point buffer but with any luck it is possible.  

Sometimes my life is very filmic.  This time last year I was working for the Manchester City Council call centre which I hated.  I was waiting for my voluntary redundancy.  My desk was surrounded by hundreds of crazed biro scribble doodles all of my interior landscapes... which I think at the time were very scary.  Also because you are sat at a desk for 8 hours you have a chance to get into some really obsessive detail.  Anyway I remember that this time last year my manager was at my desk picking up one particular image I'd drawn and laughing with the other managers "Artistic or perhaps autistic" and them all having a good chuckle.  The laugh is now on them.  A year later this doodle is being worn at the Golden Globe Awards by some actress called Malin Akerman and also was Fashion Times top 3 thing to buy this xmas (just under some gold watch and a pair of torn up jeans)... I would provide a link for where it can be bought but they have appeared to have sold out for the moment.  

You'll see a part of my diary where it says "I must try not to be a super villain".   Perhaps I am a super villain.  I certainly have the right sort of cat for it.  I live in a lair.  I have plans of world domination and stacked up piles of bitterness and resentment going back further than I can even remember.  I have the potential to be a glowering Doctor Claw sat in a perspex chair petting a cat and having a good cackle.  Thankfully this isn't what I am and not what I am ever going to be.  Though you have to admit it does sound pretty cool. 

The reason I would never become a super villian is because I have a wonderful support network of friends who keep me grounded and real.  Things could have easily gone in a different direction but I was lucky to attract wonderful people into my life.  If I hadn't then I doubt I would be very good at what I do.  One thing that must be said for cartoon super villains, is that they never win.  They are shrouded in bitterness, ego and their motives tend to be revenge or an affirmation of their ego.  But they always fail because they are not loved.  Except in the real world... in the real world you can go very far with bitterness, ego and the need to crush... though thankfully I've never wanted to live in the real world that much, or at least not entirely.  

I watched the film Whiplash at the cinema.  Essentially it was Rocky with drums.  But what it lacked that the Rocky sequence doesn't lack is any humanity or love.  Ambition, obsession etc are all well and good but without some form of grounding energy like friends, family and pets then your doomed to a life of misery speckled with small achievements each one trying to be bigger... but each achievement looks like a small sweaty faced man hitting a drum kit for ages.  Some of which are faster than others but all of them are the same size.  Anyway it was an okay film but afterwards it definitely seemed to miss the point of how to be creatively successful.

I use the word successful now but in any moment my pinball could be dropping away from the "DING DING DING WINNING" 1000 point buffer.  

The majority of my weekend was spent indoors exercising and watching television shows.  Also a little bit of organizing of my jpegs and patterns ready for a new production phase coming soon to a lazy bones near you.  The above photo is my wall.  With the saturation and contrast turned up.  And a bit of my hair in the corner.

I also cut my hair a little bit.  I'm not sure if this is a good thing as I've just timed it badly as I've also got a rather large boil appearing on the left side of my nose.  I have two new facial differences to get used to when I look in the mirror.