21st January - 25th January

21-22nd January

Reoccurence is a haunting spinning that bores away at the edges of all my platforms.  This will not be the state of things forever.  At some point every thing will end and we will all be gone and I all the wonderful people I know will be no more.  What if I refuse to reoccur?   Then perhaps nothing will ever reoccur again.  The gnawing on my platforms will finally stop and we can descend and ascend completely of our own free will.  What if reincarnation is real?  We meet the same people in different lifetimes, does that mean that over every lifetime all we will do is hurt each other over and over and over again.  If so then what set these things in motion?  Could and should it be stopped?  Perhaps it is worth it for the friendship of the people that actually stay in your life.  Also i would eventually end up in a century that has space travel.  

Sometimes my overactive imagination gets the better of me.  Sometimes it is of benefit to me.  The problem with my overactive imagination is that I have an over active mouth.  So I can end up saying exactly what it is that I'm imagining really well.  Sometimes I can use this to come to very quick and intuitive conclusions, a lot of which I'm not sure where they've come from, which is quite scary that I've worked something out long after I've actually said it (or imagined it).  My mouth moves faster than my actual brain.  Socially I am like an awful force of nature.  On my own my thoughts can become so internalized that I'm just stuck in a hall of cracked mirrors.  The thing is I've only just realized that this predicament is moderately unique to me.  I've no idea what other people do inside their heads.  For a long time I've been assuming that we are all the same.

23RD))))))) ----- 24TH))))))) ------- 25TH)))))))(((((((AS you can tell from the quality of the image above my fancy mobile phone broke this weekend and I have had to put my SIM card into my old phone which doesn't have as good a quality camera.)

(when my phone broke - ____ I didn't actually care
It was interesting to see what it would become.  It had a room inside it that flashed with an odd pulsing light. It could only be seen for a half a second on each occurence and the occurences became progressively less and less.  These days it is difficult to see or experience anything that will never ever exist again.  Everything can be photographed.  Life can be rendered into 2 dimensionals planes of light,... [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]

If my had broken 6 months ago.  I would have cared.
My progress and self esteem were at a very high at the point when my phone broke.  And all problems i have in my life at the moment far outweigh damaged technology.   [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]  [If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]

[If my phone didn't break then the best picture of me taken ever would not exist.]

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On a weekend of plans and non achievements what really does exist.  My pattern filter falls down and is cracked across the screen.  The real world emerges in all it's murder, sadness, shadow and decay. All the people I have ever cared for or loved are dying.  We will all eventually disappear.  This seems to motivate me to enjoy every moment I can but sometimes the pressure of this expectation is overwhelming.  Especially because the world is so sad.  Edges traced along my pulse which if you held onto would move you slowly persistently.  If you were contained in my moment then you would understand.  It is strange to be  on the outside looking in.  Interactions are cold and fractured.  Each fragment containing more potential but lost in a mosaic.  A deformed ballet dance in my deformed brain performed by social dynamics.

All things considered, I am doing very well for myself.  The above is all just secondary concerns. Unfortunately I am sensitive to secondary concerns.  But why stifle sensitivity.  I do what I do because of who I am.  To be steadfast to these principles is what precepts change.  I believe in my developing moral code and perhaps one day other people will.

I am pretentious..... 

.......but how could I not be?  Wouldn't you be as well?