7th January - 11th January

7th+8th January = 7th8th January

Visit to Hester.  Visit to Post Office.  Visit to Morrisons. Completion and emailing of pattern design to Art on Fashion.  Events either to distract and avoid responsibilities or to connect to the proper routine.  My world can be integrated into common place activities and I tend to find these things help to process the plans into concrete successes.  Too much dedication to a cause can detract from the humanity of my host and lead me to obsessive inward looking repetition.  This would lead to circling the same things over and over and expressing the same null void between emotional nothing and everything.  Writing this 5 days after the day means that things are forgotten and things are elaborated or missed out.  Though through the imagery above there were lots of highlighter pens involved in my activities.

9th - 11th January

Processing very slow data at work gave me the opportunity to listen to a very long 4 part Youtube lecture on Soren Kierkegaard - this was quite inspiring but my quandary of the weekend and perhaps my entire life is not so much developing a personal and spiritual philosophy but how to moralistically fit that into my inter relations with other people.  It's difficult to contain feelings and thoughts that might cause harm. These days I usually don't bother and just say anything I like all the time which is quite liberating and seems to make people appreciate me.  Appreciation is not enough though, what is required is a method to never hurt anyone ever again and perhaps never to be hurt by anyone ever again.  If this requires lies and cover ups then perhaps that's the best way, after all what is wrong with a little lie here and there if the rest of the time you are completely honest?  Or are you completely honest if you let yourself believe the lies that you tell yourself?  How mutable is the truth and how often do we actually tell the truth.  Can words actually be accurate when they are describing intangible feelings?

Can words make the intangible tangible or do they distort it into something that wasn't either there in the first place?  A PROBLEM.  SOLUTION?  In order to stop myself from hurting anyone else I would have to contain my feelings and to contain who I am, to never say anything to anyone,  would that be a moral thing to do?  This is why feelings must be filtered through diplomacy.  That way there is a compromise.

As an introverted extroverted introvert extrovert I require other people's validation in order to survive in my infinite messy singularity.  I get validation but it isn't enough.  Why?  Because of trust.

I didn't manage to get all my tasks this weekend.  A rather late one on Saturday due to a friend's birthday but all together lots of nice events have happened to give me the excuse to not bother.  Also my thoughts are such a tumble of things that I always get something worked out.
There should be no confinement for anything inside myself.  Not if I am going to be free.  How much easier would my life be if I went entirely onto some automatic self trusting autopilot?  How much more entertaining?   Though it seems that through expressing myself in this blog, my day to day thoughts and activities, that there will always be ommissions despite me not editing what I type.  I worry that this diary/blog excercise could become a very tiring and constant project.  Very repetitive to read too.  Also you have to question why I would share all of this?  What is the point?  Does it make me a bad person?  Vain, self indulgent and so on.

Time to stop asking questions.  Though when you do data entry for 7 hours a day then asking questions is the best way to amuse yourself.  Is that a vital aspect of my development?  The fact that I contain so much thought and mental energy over 35 hours of the week?  It is never time to stop asking questions.  My life is so hectic what with this cat to cuddle all the time.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -  I am trying to be FUNNY.