31.12.12 - 9.12.12



NOTES PAGE AT END OF DIARY.



31.12.12 - and so it's new years eve and midnight is about to go by - the end of the year is usually all fireworks and celebrations.  Not here.  I'm not under the illusion that anything is going to change now unless it's me that changes it.  It gives me a chance to start a new diary, slimmer, more compact and purely for organizing  rather than making a collage a day (as I do that anyway) - if the new diary ends up looking cool I may post pages of it on here as usual.  Everything changes but only due to my own schemes and plans - if I didn't have a system of doing things every year would just be another year of doing nothing and staring at walls wondering if the cream white has started to go yellower.  Someday I hope to be able to choose what colour I want my walls to be. 

 

30.12.12 -  difficult to determine how harmless this path is.  The future does look completely ambigiously threatening.  So not ambigious at all.  More knowingly and menacingly vague perhaps.  The future is unavoidable.  What if our intuition is our heads remembering when we've lived before - our minds screaming warnings from repeated lives - ''stop smoking before it's too late I died last time''. 

 

29.12.12 - marriage sounds like a great idea and really would quite like it to happen but like with everything I can't help but ask questions like How much would it cost? Isn't it all a bit me me me? (or us us us).  Getting married is cool and you get to wear an outrageous suit and it can be a celebration of love but is it all just for the sake of it and do people do it because they are supposed to? 
More questions in constant rotation grinding through the answerless.  I think I'll just keep doing my work and allow things to happen when they happen rather than critiqueing myself over how normal I am and where I'm going with my life.  I'm going somewhere.
I hope.



28.12.12 - The above looks like a moomin being sick and having horrible visions that make it go crazy... which is perhaps why it's being sick.



27.12.12 - and then shooting out of Doncaster back into Manchester first thing in the morning - all vestiges of Christmas gone almost as if it never happened so this bleak frightening image should have no reference to it.  Except for maybe that bit of red tinsel in the corner - does that symbolize hope?

26.12.12 - Boxing day.  Similiar to Christmas so this is virtually the same collage.  I didn't get the train back to Manchester as trains weren't running to Manchester at all.  In fact no trains were working.  I'm sure I've got the train home loads of times before on Boxing day.  Difficult to remember though.

25.12.12 - MERRY CHRISTMAS.

24.12.12 - Christmas Eve in the office and then catch an immediate train back home to Doncaster.  Generic work collage soon to be followed by generic wrapping paper collages.

23.12.12 - cleaned up the left over xmas and then spent a very productive evening getting everything done ever.  The flat ended up being tidier than anywhere I've ever seen apart from my mum's house and as well as getting loads of art done I've also managed to watch quite a lot of television.  Was wanting to stay up all night drinking strong coffee and going mental until I have to go to work first thing in the morning but don't think my constitution or endurance is up to that these days.  I'm such a 31 year old.  It's such an effort to stay up after one in the morning these days and I used to love staying up late on my own so much.

22.12.12 - my first xmas in my flat with Rachel Jarvis before I go away for the other ordinary xmas with my family.  The best present I've had for ages is this.  Though admittedly the shirt covered in woodland animals was very good.

21.12.12 - wrapping up Christmas presents for my first Christmas before the main Christmas.  Two christmases this year.

20.12.12 - wrapping up Christmas presents for my first Christmas before the main Christmas.

19.12.12 - explosions null and dull in contained spheres of activity biased away from helping anyone much unless they are nice people.  In a position to judge.  Not a good thing.

18.12.12 - the sheet full of school admissions information that i've been drawing on since I first got transferred into the contact centre - been wanting to cut it up and stick it in my diary for months but then i wouldn't have the information anymore.  So I took the trouble to photocopy it finally.

17.12.12 - Christmas shopping afterwork.  Suprisingly quiet and fairly inexpensive to say I bought quite expensive things.  Maybe a paycut for a slightly nicer job wouldn't be worth it.

16.12.12 - headache meets claw hammer.  "Fight pain with hammer but too much hammer would make me dead."
These two labels have no relationship to one another - but putting them side by side does look unusual.

15.12.12 - the first signs of Christmas canter through the fog in the form of a postage stamps.

14.12.12 - A really bad headache enables me to have a day off work but also disables me from being able to do much of anything else.

13.12.12 - the many unhappy and happy face icons that appear on screen when dealing with traffic and parking penalty charges - the ones with eyepatches are for bus lane penalties.  I really like the pixelisation. 

12.12.12 - an hour or afternoon scribbling in different colours (limited to blue, black and red) sometimes wonder what my artistic output actually is - i do seem to produce an awful lot of work - it's getting to the stage where I'm not actually remembering each image - think this is the folly of producing mostly small work but in vast quantities - perhaps the work is less memorable due to it's volume but also perhaps that gives my body of work a vaster sense of scale and also does my constant critique and questioning of my self and the actual relevance and worthiness of the work actually make it more honest?  More questions unanswered and to be followed by more questions until I forget every question asked in the first place.  Leading to the same questions being asked over and over again.  Which explains (does it really?) why my life and artwork feels like one big recursive loop.

11.12.12 - statistics swallowed and spat out into an insignificance.  Calls per hour, Adherence, Total service requests, Latenesses, Absences.  All of these are irrelevent in a job I'll possibly never be very good at due to lack of wanting to be good at.  Is this disrespectful in the economic climate where supposedly no one can get a job and your meant to keep your head down and carry on being unhappy in a position you weren't born for?

10.12.12 - character design for the book I'm working on at the capacity of 1% a year. 



9.12.12 - another typical Sunday to do list.  Next year's diary is a lot smaller being 4 days per page (with a notes section at the end of each week) so will likely use loads of tippex so I can write more tasks in once they are done.  This will probably make the pages thicker but not as thick as when they are covered in bits of card and paper.